"The Kunts would like to announce that we will not be doing a Christmas Number 1 campaign this year. These are unprecedented times as our unelected, out-of-his-depth, rat-faced, child-sized Prime Minister clings on to power whilst stuffing his and his already rich wife's pockets with as much of the UK's cash as he can while the sinister, heartless, extremist goons he has put in office and now over whom he has no control, fuel division and trash the country. There is so much bad news and negativity around at the moment we feel that us moaning about all this over a glam punk backing track would be completely futile.
We feel the country would benefit from an old-fashioned, nostalgic, feelgood Christmas Number 1, like the good old days before sausage rolls were funny. That's why we are backing The Krackpots bid for Christmas Number 1. Little is known about this mystery band but their song Proper Christmas ticks all the boxes for us.
We hope all you certain sorts of person will join us and get behind Proper Christmas. It is out on 8 December. We will post more details up here as we hear them.
Kunt 8===3 - - -
WELCOME TO KUNTHUB
Hallo and thanks for coming. I am Kunt; former minor internet hit singer turned major irritant.
What do we do?
As Kunt and the Gang I try and make comedy songs and videos on subjects that mainstream entertainment channels wouldn't cover. With a little help from my friends in The Kunts, Kuntford and Sons and The Krown Jewelz we seem to alternate between protest songs shining a light on the corrupt cunts that run the system we seem to be stuck with, and puerile pub rock songs about big jobs. There's no moral high ground here, it is what it is.
What do we do?
At Christmas 2020 The Kunts had an unexpected top 5 hit single with our protest song Boris Johnson is a Fucking Cunt. Since then we have had top 20 hits with Boris Johnson is STILL a Fucking Cunt, Prince Andrew is a Sweaty Nonce, Fuck The Tories and Scrap The Monarchy. We have no record company, no management, no PR company and no financial backing. These chart singles happened because of people power. Gatecrashing the charts after all these years has been a massive source of joy for us old kunts. The single campaigns take a LOT of work (between the 4 of us we do all the work of a record company - artist, producer, manager, promoter, plugger, PR, etc.) and make a relatively small amount of money so your support of our work is greatly appreciated and helps us to do the next thing.
What do we actually do?
When the fun stops, we'll stop. Until then, we'll continue to enjoy how uncomfortable the mainstream is with viewpoints that don't fit the 'Official Culture' narrative. You might not always like or agree with everything we do, but we try to keep doing something rather than nothing.
Cheers for listening,
Kunt 8===3 - - -
If you feel you are a certain sort of person, you can chat with other certain sorts here on our DISCORD SERVER
My 20-year back catalogue of music is all up here on BANDCAMP
BUM THE RUNNER!
With over 3 million views, The Kunts' 1 minute song about the Philip Schofield grooming hullabaloo Bum The Runner - has become our most viewed music video ever.
Thank you for all your heroic efforts downloading, streaming and promoting Scrap The Monarchy in the face of a complete media blackout. We got to number 9 despite selling enough to be at least number 2, but I will lift the lid on the Charts shady shenanigans in my forthcoming book next year. It takes a certain sort of person to do what you all did, we left nothing on the pitch! Cheers!
WILL THEY OR WON'T THEY?!
++UPDATE++ Of course they didn't.
SCRAP THE MONARCHY - DOWNLOAD NOW!
YOU can help make SCRAP THE MONARCHY Coronation week No. 1!
Download Links (Make sure you download after purchasing for it to count!):
BANDCAMP (cheapest, easiest and most effective!) All the versions
Please get as many versions as you can - all sales get added for main chart (32 versions = 32 sales!!!)
Here's how to be most effective from 0.01am Friday 05/05 to 23.59 Thursday 11/05:
1. Please download the single and as many other versions as you can from iTunes/Amazon/Bandcamp.
(There are 30(ish) versions - pick your favourite 10?! or go the whole hog if you feel flush!)
- Once you've clicked 'buy' you must DOWNLOAD the track for it to count as a sale.
- Please share screenshots when you've downloaded on your socials. It's really good for morale!
2. The charts company have advised us not to encourage people to stream the playlists on repeat all week 24/7 on as many devices/ platforms as possible, as asking you to do this would contravene chart regulations. When streaming in a regular fashion though:
- Don't Mute - it won't count (play on low / headphones).
- Turn Crossfade up to maximum.
- Apple Music offer a free month, check other streaming services for offers!
3. Please share wherever you can.
- Please enable notifications for our posts so they don't get hidden.
- Sharing our posts, the video, plus chart and download screenshots really helps.
- We do understand everyone can't always share on the socials! Please also share on Whatsapp groups/ chats.
4. Keep going!
- The media are hiding it so battle this time is making sure people find out about it in time.
- The Coronation will be over but we have until Thursday 23.59 - new people will find out about it all week and get on board!
What are you hoping to achieve?
To get a song called Scrap The Monarchy to number 1 in the chart on Coronation week. But why?
Because the Royal family is an archaic, sinister, callous, entitled institution which relies on the goodwill of flag waving chumps to keep them and their offspring's lavish lifestyles going for as long as they possibly can while regular folk are struggling to feed their kids and heat their homes. Why do you release so many versions?
Because we are up against major label artists who spend thousands on PR companies who buy press, radio and TV coverage for them. Because of our content, the media actively hide our output so we have to find a way to level the playing field. Sales of all the various versions get counted together for the main chart at the end of the week. We don't expect you to download all of them. Just do what you can.
What are the versions?
This time round we wouldn't have been able to get a Coronation single out in time with all the admin associated with the remixes, so we put a shout out on our socials and nearly 30 people recorded their own versions of the song. There are some great versions and to put it politely, others are of varying quality, but everyone who contributed shares the same beliefs about wanting the Royal Family gone so I made all of them available for you to hear and/or download.
Does streaming really make a difference?
Yes. Even though it takes 100 Premium Account streams (or 600 free account streams) to make up the equivalent of 1 sale, without the streams the song would not chart. Both the Boris songs got several million combined streams and finished up at number 5, our Prince Andrew song achieved much less (around a million in total) and only peaked at number 20. Streaming our carefully curated playlists for the whole 7 days are the most effective way to support by streaming.
But what will that actually achieve?
The State, Royals, Church and Media could all do something more to tackle poverty and inequality in this country but the status quo suits them so they continue to sit on massive wealth. We may be pissing into the wind but it's the easiest thing in the world to sit there and say things are pointless. Until we all voice our discontent with the way things are, nothing will ever change. If you don't do something, you just do nothing. This is something we can do, and we want you to be part of.
I've downloaded all 32 versions on Bandcamp, what do I do?
Email your screenshot to firstname.lastname@example.org.
CORONATION SINGLE CAMPAIGN!
Scrap The Monarchy - Out 05/05/23.
Save the date!
The Krown Jewelz (The artists usually known as The Kunts) release Scrap The Monarchy on 05/05/23.
This time around we've left out the swearwords so the song can be covered by the media and played on the radio, but predictably they are still ghosting it! So it's down to you! Please join us in sticking a sausage finger up at the king no one wants by downloading, streaming and sharing Scrap The Monarchy all the way to the top of the charts between 05/05/23 and 11/05/23.
We'll be releasing multiple downloads and hosting a 24/7 Streamathon to celebrate! Links to follow soon...
We've set up a dedicated DISCORD SERVER in an effort to give all of us certain sorts a central base where we can all congregate and chat without the threat of getting booted off social media. Please join us and share with any other certain sorts!
THE KUNTS ONE OFF GIG
The Kunts play for one night only for our mate Loz's 40th birthday at New Cross Inn!
The day before the Prince Andrew Is A Sweaty Nonce video was due to be released our YouTube channel was deleted. This happened once before, in 2011 when the Fucksticks (Royal Wedding Version) was released.
We appealed it, only to receive an email within 25 minutes that the decision was upheld. Well dodgy.
Later this year we'll be putting all our videos into the pubic domain so you can upload them to any channel you like.
PRINCE ANDREW - THE BEST SELLING SONG OF THE JUBILEE!
PRINCE ANDREW IS A SWEATY NONCE!
The Queen’s Platinum Jubilee. The bunting was ironed and Her Majesty helped Prince Andrew pay his £12 million out of court settlement for sexual assault.
The Kunts’ people-powered single Prince Andrew is a Sweaty Nonce reached number 20 in the Jubilee chart, despite the best efforts of the BBC and MSM to sweep it under the carpet. It was the best-selling song of the week, outselling Kate Bush, Harry Styles and Lady Gaga!
When my wee sidekick Little Kunt heard that my nemesis, hunger- hawking charity sausage roll millionaire and soon to be cheating fanny rat LadBaby was teaming up with Roman Kemp and the Capital Radio Breakfast Crew to make an England World Cup song for Qatar ‘22 he couldn’t help but wonder what it might sound like…