Can't work, won't work lyrics

When I get up in the morning
I send the kids to school
I sit down on the toilet
And I squeeze out a stool
Then I lay on the sofa
And switch the telly on
And when Lorraine Kelly’s finished
Jeremy Kyle comes on
Then I watch Trisha
And Cash in the Attic
I have Going for Gold on
And I’m a Neighbours fanatic
Then it’s Diagnosis Murder
And Murder She Wrote
Flog it and Deal or No Deal
And then the kids are home

So I make some turkey twizzlers
And stick em in a bap
And if they don’t eat it up
I give them all a slap
And cos I’ve worked so hard on that
I put up me feet
I watch Hollyoaks, Emmerdale
Eastenders and Coronation Street
Then I put the Bill on
And I’ might have a little smoke
And watch a Channel 5 documentary
On the world’s fattest bloke
I’ve normally dozed off by then
But if I’m still at the races
I’ll have a flick and try and find
Some wild police chases.

I sit on my arse all day
I consider it a perk
Of the job of being unemployed
And not going to work

I’ve never had a job
I’ve never had a job
Cos every time I need the dough
I have another nob
And the nob supplies the semen
And I have another kid
Then the social give me money to say
Well done for what I did
Yes the social give her money to say
Well done for what she did

Can’t work, won’t work
Don’t send her to an interview
Can’t work, won’t work
She’ll fook it up, that’s what she’ll do
Can’t work, won’t work
To tell the truth I’m overjoyed
Can’t work, won’t work
To live me life an unemployed

I’d hate to work in a garage
It’d really be the pits
I wouldn’t work in an aviary
It’d bore me off me tits
I couldn’t work on an assault course
It’d drive me up the wall
And I wouldn’t volunteer for any money
Let alone fook all
She wouldn’t work in security
It’s just too mundane
She couldn’t work in a mental home
It’d drive me insane
She wouldn’t be a soldier
Like those pricks Robson and Jerome
And she wouldn’t work for a charity
Cos it begins at home

She can’t stand the sight of kids
So I won’t work in a school
She’d never be a policeman
I fuckin hate em all
She wouldn’t work on a sewage plant
I couldn’t stand the muck
And she couldn’t work in care
Cos I really don’t give a fuck

She wouldn’t be a binman
I’d just have to refuse
She ‘d never be a model
I just can’t walk in them shoes
She wouldn’t be a stuntman
I couldn’t do the stunts
And she wouldn’t work for the council
They’re a bunch of fookin cunts

I sit on my arse all day
Morning and afternoon
The job of being unemployed
Is something of a boon

I’ve never had a job
I’ve never had a job
Cos every time I need the dough
I have another nob
And the nob supplies the spunk
Which it deposits up me muff
And I have a kid and the money goes up
Until I’ve got enough
Yes she has a kid and the money goes up
Until she’s got enough

Can’t work, won’t work
A job’s something for other folk
Can’t work, won’t work
I can’t be arsed to do a stroke
Can’t work, won’t work
I ain’t  doing other people’s chores
Can’t work, won’t work
Fuck that shit, I’ll stay indoors
Fuck that shit, I’ll stay indoors