Upsetting squares and making ladies moist 2003 - 2016
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Paul Stephenson’s party

The most raucous party ever wasn’t after a premiere
It wasn’t after the Oscars or Baftas, and there was no one famous there
It happened in 1994 in a Stifford Clays Cul de Sac
I turned up there at half past eight and the place was fucking packed
There was no Facebook in those days, no Bebo or Myspace
Fuck knows how 200 people ended up in the same place
Two blokes are fighting out the front, it was actually quite frightening
So I just go in and make a start on three litres of white lighting

Paul Stephenson’s party, Paul Stephenson’s bash
His house got fucking trashed by a load of people who gatecrashed
Paul Stephenson’s party, Paul Stephenson’s do
It was the greatest party I ever went to

Someone’s replacing a lightbulb with a pack of jelly cubes
A bloke’s got his mum’s Immac and is waxing off his pubes
The kitchen seems to have been retiled with buttered Jacob’s crackers
One kid’s using a slotted spoon to whack another kid in the knackers
Someone’s tipped a box of Kellog’s Cornflakes on the floor
Someone else has got a screwdriver and is taking off a door
A bloke’s pirouetting round the kitchen with a bottle of tomato sauce
A girl has just sucked six blokes off and is crying with remorse

Paul Stephenson’s party, Paul Stephenson’s bash
His house got fucking trashed by 200 people on the lash
Paul Stephenson’s party, Paul Stephenson’s do
It was the greatest party I ever went to

Some bloke is making pizzas with his mum and dad’s CDs
Now The Damned and Squeeze are topped with ham and cheese
Three kids threw his mattress out the window onto the lawn
Now they’re in his old man’s bedroom going through his stash of porn
Some bloke’s fingering a sleeping girl up on the pile of coats
Someone’s filled the fish tank up with a box of Quaker Oats
There’s one kid smashing ornaments with his dad’s golf umbrella
Someone’s written ‘RAPE’ on the front room wall in what’s hopefully nutella

Paul Stephenson’s party, Paul Stephenson’s bash
Some bloke stood on his shed roof, pulled his pants down and had a slash
Paul Stephenson’s party, Paul Stephenson’s do
It was the greatest party I ever went to

His parents will wish they hadn’t stayed out for the night
When they find the telephone handset’s been glued on with Araldite
There’s blood where some girl got broke in up on his parents’ bed
Some geezer’s strolling round with his sister’s panties on his head
Two young kids jemmied off the lock of his old man’s drinks cabinet
I didn’t see who did that in the sink but it looks like human shit
The toilet’s overflowing where someone laid a massive log
This girl’s pulled on a rubber glove and is wanking off his dog

Paul Stephenson’s party, Paul Stephenson’s bash
His house got fucking trashed by 200 people on the lash
Paul Stephenson’s party, Paul Stephenson’s do
It was the greatest party I ever went to

Paul Stephenson’s party, Paul Stephenson’s bash
Someone’s defaced a photo of his late nan with Hitler hair and tache
Paul Stephenson’s party, Paul Stephenson’s do
It was the greatest party I ever went to
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