Upsetting squares and making ladies moist 2003 - 2016
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Do you see kuntmusic as a new development or as part of a much older folk tradition?
I do think I have tackled some groundbreaking subjects not set to music before, like men’s personal hygiene (in our song
Gentleman’s Wash) and how serial killers can teach us to live together despite our differences (in Fred and Rose). That said, a lot of our songs also use traditional themes like love and loss (Wanking Over A Pornographic Polaroid Of An Ex-Girlfriend Who Died) so I don’t think I’m really doing anything new, given that Ivor Biggun was singing wanking ditties long before I even had pubes. I suppose it’s all just part of the old music hall tradition of getting loads of pissed up plebs in one place and all having a good old laugh at something smutty.

You’ve done a homoerotic cover of Summer Nights, simulated sex acts with men in your videos and referenced similar acts in your songs. A psychologist might see this as subconscious wish fulfilment. Similarly, the song Come On Cliff, Admit You’re Queer could be seen as transference. Are you sure you’re not gay?
Yes.

What’s the closest you’ve ever come to serious legal repercussions from your act?
I got banned from appearing again at Butlins after playing a festival in the Skegness park. I was informed that I didn’t fit in with their family image. And Rachel Riley from Countdown has taken out a restraining order to prevent me from going within 200 yards of her house.

If you could have any superpower what would it be?
I would like to be invisible so I could sneak into Carol Vorderman’s flat at night and wank over her in her sleep. If my jizz was also invisible I’d do it all over her face but if it wasn’t I’d probably just do it into a tissue so as not to wake her up.

What’s the closest you’ve

ever come to getting your

head kicked in because of

your act?
I played a “gentleman’s evening”

on Canvey Island in Essex where

the bill consisted of me, a blue

comedian and two strippers. I

lasted three songs in total. People

were throwing things and shouting,

“Fuck off”. I left the stage to

boos and abuse and did think I

was going to get kicked in. And

the promoter knocked me for

money because I didn’t finish my

set. The cunt.

When you are trying to keep

your material topical do you

think you jinx things? Such as

Carol leaving Countdown, 2006

and 2010 World Cup

performances, Stephen Gately

and Michael Jackson dying.
I try not to be too topical because

it’s too much like hard work but

every time a celebrity croaks like

Jade, Jacko, Swayze or Gately I

get a tsunami of emails requesting

a song on the subject. I think

people feel that my sensitive

treatment of a celebrity

bereavement helps them through the grieving process.

Do you think anyone has spent as much time simulating masturbation as you have?
I’d never thought of it like that. Maybe I’ll get in touch with Norris Mc Squirter and see if I can get in the Guiness Book of Records.

People just can’t help but laugh whenever anyone does the wanking and crying motion. Why do you think this is the case?
I can assure you not everyone laughs at that. I have seen people at my shows look like they are going to do a little bit of sick in their mouth. I think most normal people find it funny because it’s the two extremes, you’re never sadder than when something has made you cry and you’re never happier than when you’re having a wank. It’s a bit like if the greenhouse scene from scum was soundtracked with the theme tune from Happy Days. Try it, it’s hilarious.

You’ve encouraged a generation to clean their foreskins, feel their testicles and insert fingers to examine their prostates. Do you think the National Health Service should honour your work?
It would be nice if someone thanked me at some point but I fear I might just be one of these misunderstood geniuses who never receives the credit they deserve in their lifetime. Then after I croak everyone will probably realise what a great guy I was and erect a statue of me in Basildon town centre.

Is the term jap’s eye used too casually by the British public, considering its racist connotations?
I’m sorry but it’s my policy not to answer questions relating to racial issues after I blacked up for one of our videos for a bit of a laugh which backfired and ended up with me being vilified by the local press.

What’s your favourite horror film?
Nightmare On Elm Street is a good one because it has a moral message about what can happen to you if you become involved in paedofiddlia. I also like the old 70s ones because they’d always shoehorn in some tits.

Who is your favourite lesbian (me excluded)?
I like any of the ones off the internet.

When was the last time you shat yourself?
The last time was about 10 years ago at a fancy dress party. I was dressed in a white clown suit which in retrospect and considering I had a dicky tummy was not the best idea. There were some people having it off in the toilet and I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

What is your favourite work of pornography?
Anything off Redtube. As long as it’s free and there’s some minges in it I’m not really fussed.

What is your favourite work of art?
Anything with some tits in really. Not Picasso though because he mucks the tits up so you can’t really have a wank over them unless you’re posh and clever.

Minimalist synth pop is usually the preserve of pretentious hipsters in large spectacles, low-cut vests and skinny jeans. Are you ever tempted to sell out by changing your name or approach?
Fuck it, as soon as the offer comes in I’ll be there in Russell Brand’s jeans looking all fucked up with make-up on one eye singing about how my uncle touched me up.

You fall for a girl who turns out to be a lesbian. Would you take an unconditional strap-on bumming from her? If so would you do ATM afterwards?
I thought it was only a matter of time before this interview went all Crying Game. I guess it would depend on whether she was a fit lesbian like the ones on the internet or one of the rotten real life ones that look like a widescreen version of the Stray Cats.
 

In recent live appearances Little Kunt has taken to emerging from a recycling bag. Why? (Jon’s question)
There’s no great masterplan to it. I just thought if I pretended I was bothered about recycling and other boring green issues I might get sucked off more often.

Do you recommend the powerwash gentleman's washing technique where you hold the foreskin closed and urinate or ejaculate to rinse it out under pressure? (Jon's question)
I am familiar with said technique but alas cannot put my name to it until it has been fully tested it under laboratory conditions.


What’s next for Kunt and the Gang?
I wrote a musical about the Shannon Matthews disappearance called
Shannon Matthews: The Musical  which comes out this month and we’re just about to record a video for our Christmas song Jesus (baby with a beard). I’m also working on a new album Fresh Kunts to be released in 2011. Lyrically I will be tackling some serious moral and social etiquette issues, like if you’re in the toilet round someone’s house and there’s a skid been left above the waterline is it the done thing to try and piss it off?