Upsetting squares and making ladies moist 2003 - 2016
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For those of us who’ve never heard Kunt and the Gang before, could you tell us a bit about yourself and the kind of music you make.
I make catchy music that sounds like happy nursery rhymes played on cheap 80s keyboards and couple it with lyrics about everyday things like washing your cock before a night out, wanting to have sex with Carol Vorderman and wanking over a pornographic polaroid of an ex-girlfriend who died.


Who are your comedy heroes?
I don’t really have any comedy heroes. My heroes tend to be ordinary people from various walks of life that have strived really hard to overcome adversity, like Barry George, Colin Stagg and Heather Mills.
 

You are playing Nottingham on your latest tour. Do you have any fond memories from the last time you played here?
Yes. The landlord of the pub who booked me the time before got so drunk he could barely stand up, insisted on shaking my hand 400 times then lit a cigarette in the venue and got thrown out.
 

Which town/city gives the best crowd

reaction to what you do?
It changes from tour to tour, the Scottish

gigs are always good for a laugh and

Nottingham gigs are normally good uns -

having a bit of a punk crowd normally works

best as they’re always up for it!
 

What’s the weirdest gig you’ve ever

played?
I played an all ages all-dayer in Essex. It was

like being Bono from U2, the audience knew

all the words and there was a massive

scramble when I threw my rubber glove into

the crowd! And I spent half hour after the

show signing teenage girls’ knockers. Bonus!
 

A lot of your songs are about wanking

and you appear to be quite the porn

connoisseur. Who’s your favourite porn

star and why?
I’m a bit bored of porn these days - the

internet has de-sensitised me to it. When I

was a teenager if you wanted to see some

tits you’d have to sneak yesterday’s Sun out

of the rubbish and hide it on top of your

wardrobe. These days you’re never more

than 2 clicks away from some bloke disinterestedly fisting a shaved fanny. Where’s the pleasure in that?
 

What’s the female reaction to Kunt and the Gang like? Do you ever get many groupies on tour?
Girls seem to be more marmite about it than blokes I think. In general the people that get offended sort of want to be offended anyway so everyone’s happy!
I get less action than you would imagine as I’m constantly having to babysit Little Kunt. He is always trying to get me to do a threesome but he makes a squealing noise like a little piglet when he does his beans. It’s really off-putting.
 

How do you warm up for a gig?
I generally do a few vocal exercises, stretch my muscles then have a filthy wank over Rachel Riley off Countdown.
 

You wrote a song especially for the 2006 World Cup called ‘Let’s Have A Wank For England’. Unfortunately it didn’t work and we lost. Have you got any advice for the team for this summer’s World Cup? Will you be making another song to raise morale this summer?
I had lots of good feedback in 2006 from people saying they’d had a wank before the World Cup games and felt it was working for us but I don’t think and amount of self-abuse could have got us through with Sven’s over cautious approach.
This year I was going to do a World Cup song called “Every hole’s a goal” which would encourage people to follow John Terry and Ashley Cole’s example of sticking it wherever they can in an effort to help us win the cup but whether I’ll get it finished in time I dunno.
 

Tell us a bit about Little Kunt. Do you work well together?
We go together like rama lama lama ke ding a de dinga a dong.
Little Kunt is my former parasitic twin who was removed from my body several years ago. He’d been wedged against my colon for nearly 30 years and was born out my back bum covered in blood, shit and a little bit of sweetcorn.
He duets with me on several songs, usually the ones that have too many words for me to remember all by myself.
 

You are pretty fashionable and always set the bar when it comes to the kind of clothes you wear onstage. Do you have any fashion influences?
Why thank you. On stage I feel the only suitable attire to give me the freedom of movement and expression that I put into my dance moves is an all-in-one, whether this manifests itself as a manly boiler suit, hi-vis workwear or sexy longjohns.
 

How would you best describe your hairstyle and do you have any tips for any aspiring young Kunts out there who might want your style?
I would describe my hairstyle as ‘retro chic’. I cannot divulge any details on the miscellaneous products I use to achieve my style, shine and bounce as it’s a secret, a bit like Colonel Sanders’ chicken-coating recipe.
 

Your obsession with Carol Vorderman is pretty well known. Were you very disappointed when she left Countdown? I know you wrote a song about the new girl, Rachel Riley, but does she really match up to Carol?
I was gutted when Carol left. I had masturbated at the same time every weekday for over 20 years come rain or shine. At first I protested by not watching Countdown and leaving my cock alone but when I saw Carol’s replacement I realised I was just cutting my helmet off to spite my shaft. And so I have resumed my routine with the lovely Rachel Riley. She’s a local girl as well so often I can be seen of a weekend lurking across the street from her parents’ house in Southend-on-Sea in my Ford Fiesta with a semi-on.
 

Apart from Carol, are there any other daytime television stars that you have a soft spot for and will perhaps write about in the future?
I think there’s definitely a song about Loose Women on the horizon. Apparently to be a panelist you have to be able to insert a Mum roll-on deodorant into your fadge without it touching the sides.
 

‘Men with Beards’, was a big Youtube hit. I find Noel Edmunds particularly creepy. Which bearded man do you fear most?
Probably Jesus, because if it turns out that was all true and not some made up load of bollocks and he hears my song “Jesus (baby with a beard)” I will definitely be up shit street.
 

I read somewhere that your next project is a musical based on Shannon Matthews. Is this still going ahead? And can you tell us a little bit about it?
I am very much on the vinegar strokes of Shannon Matthews: The Musical.
Some of the songs include “Different Dads (They’ve all got different dads)”, “I’ve got a plan (based on Maddie McCann)” and “Shannon ain’t dead (She’s under my bed)”.
It is going to be released later this year as an audio CD and download to start off with but I’m sure it will end up transferring to the West End at some point. I’m thinking of Bonnie Langford as Karen Matthews. Darren Day as Craig Meehan and Jason Donovan as his namesake Terence Donovan. And Shannon to be played by Jimmy Krankie.
 

How does Kunt unwind after a long and stressful tour?
I like to hang up my outfits, run myself a nice hot bath then have a filthy wank over Rachel Riley off Countdown.
 

You wrote a song called ‘Gary Glitter’. Did you watch that ‘what if’ show where they did a reconstruction of what would happen if the death penalty was brought back and he was brought to trial and then executed? What did you think of that?
I did see that but I’d just come back off tour and having not seen the news for a few weeks didn’t realise it was a ‘what if’ show. I thought they’d pushed a law through without me realising. It was only the day after that one of my mates set me straight but by that time unfortunately I’d already destroyed my hard drive with a club hammer.
 

You caused quite a stir in your hometown when the pub you were playing at put up your poster as an advert for the gig and everyone got really angry and offended. Do you often cause outrage wherever you go and what do you make of people that say you are disgusting, pathetic and have no place in music or any type of art for that matter?

I didn’t realise that was what everyone was saying until you just told me. Blimey, it’s a bit harsh. I like to think that my music brings people together. I’m always getting blokes say there’s this girl they’d fancied for ages and it was only after listening to one of my songs they plucked up the courage to slip something in her drink.