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the internet’s most kuntish songs and videos

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OH LOOK, I’VE WRITTEN A BOOK. It took fucking ages, it’s got 386 pages.

eBook

Audio Book

And for you Marie Kondo kunts who don’t like clutter:

WORLD

J’Me Branle Tout Seul Dans Un Formule 1 (A Lonely Wank In A Travelodge)

Bourre Mon Cul Comme Ta Bourgeoise (Use My Arsehole As A Cunt)

Je Vais Te La Lécher (I’m Gonna Lick You Out)

Une Douche Aux Latrines (Gentleman’s Wash)

Les Meufs Préfèrent Les Connards (Women Love A Bastard)

C’est Mon Érection (See if you can guess that one)

Astiquer Son Gland Sur Un Polaroid Pornographique D’Une Ex Décédée (And that one)

Dee (La Plus Vielle Des Groupies) (Dee (The Oldest Groupie))

Dépêche-Toi Et Suce-Moi Bien Avant Que Je Sois Quelqu’un (Hurry Up And Suck Me Off Before I Get Famous)

Euthanasie Pour Mamie (Let’s Send Nan To Dignitas)

Jeune Pompier (Young Fireman, Formerly Paperboy)

La Chanson De L’Avortement (The Abortion Song)

Vous Allez Crever (You’re Going To Die)

Bonjour mes amis, and bienvenu to the Kunt and the Gang website.

After 3 years off (going back to painting and decorating and writing my book) I am making my lukewarmly anticipated return to music with my least commercially viable album to date (no mean feat considering the back catalogue includes Kunt’ll Fix It, Jap’s iTunes and the wanking and crying trilogy).

In an effort to help the UK remain on good terms post-Brexit as we say au revoir to our chums in the EU I have dusted off my 1980s GCSE French and, with the help of my Gallic chum Seb and Google translate, recorded some of my greatest minor internet hits and choice album cuts for my first (and, depending on how disastrous sales are, possibly only) French album:

Here’s the tracklist:

ORDER NOW FOR DELIVERY ON 31ST OCTOBER. I GIVE YOU THE KUNT GUARANTEE THE ALBUM WILL BE DELIVERED ON THAT DATE - OR I’D RATHER BE DEAD IN A DITCH, OR STUCK IN TRAFFIC AT A FERRY PORT.

It’s available as a limited edition (of 250) CDs with lyric sheet to help you sing along (in French). Order now by clicking the links to the left. Plus it should be on all the usual Digital Download places providing Brexit doesn’t fuck that up as well.

The complete story of how I went from being an Essex Council odd-job man to a (minor) internet superstar with two actual (minor) UK hits, and award-winning* Edinburgh Fringe ‘comedy’ act.

Audio Book

Free with 30-day trial of

Combo includes:
386 page book, jam-packed with anecdotes and pics from the Kunt archives.

Data CD containing the Audiobook version, as narrated by Kunt.

(Note - not Audio CD - it’s over 10 hours long!)

Bonus Greatest Minor Internet Hits MP3s

Limited edition (of 200) different dust jacket so you can leave it on your bookshelf when the in-laws come round without it becoming an awkward conversation piece.