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1. Have a look up your loft and see if there's anything that makes you feel sexy.

2. Take a bumwipe shopping and discreetly leave it at the cash-desk.

3. Drive out to the countryside and interfere with yourself in a lay-by.

4. Find a lady you fancy then follow her home.

5. Put your finger in a rubber johnny and stick it in your back bum.

6. Write a letter to the local paper complaining about dogs' mess.

7. Shave your pubes off.

8. Take photos of your neighbours without them knowing.

9. Cut a hole in your pocket and smile at people in the street while touching your winky.

10. Do some plops in a carrier bag and tip them over your neighbour's fence when they're at work.

11. Ask a lady if you can have a look at her front bottom.

12. Shave your dog's cock and bollocks.

13. Tuck your private parts in between your legs and photograph yourself as a lady.

14. Do a bit of poo on some paper, the fold it over to make a butterfly print.

15. Get a stiffy then show it to some ladies in the woods.

16. Set up a hotmail account in your mate's name then find something mucky on the internet and send it to his mum.

17. Buy a portion of chips in the town centre and chip up a traffic warden.

18. Sit right next to someone on a near-empty bus and keep passing wind.

19. Take a Polaroid of your helmet and leave it in a book in the library.

20. Join Twitter as Nobby Nobnuts and put your bio as 'looking at my ding-dong in the mirror'.

21. Wear white trousers with no pants and shit yourself in the post office queue.

22. Make sure your mum's out then have a wank in every room.

23. Tell anyone new you meet that you're a stuntman.

24. Itch your bum inside your pants then ask a policeman for directions and insist on shaking his hand.

25. Shit in a jiffy bag and send it to Dominic Littlewood.

26. See if you can touch your helmet with your tongue. If you can, ignore all the above.