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Christmas clearout (Yuletide log)

Last Christmas day, I tucked some food away
I woke up with a selection box so I had a Milky Way
The I had me breakfast, scrambled eggs on toast
And opened all me presents up and what I fancied most
Was a box of Lindt chocolates made by master chocolatiers
By then it was nearly lunchtime, and time for a few beers
So I sunk a couple up the pub and the odd dry roasted nut
And staggered home for me dinner, when the pub was shut

I had turkey and all the trimmings, roast spuds and peas
Yorkshire puds, swede and carrot mash and broccoli
Sausage stuffing, cauliflower and brussel sprouts of course
All topped off with gravy and a blob of cranberry sauce
Then I had me Christmas pud and a couple of mince pies
And when me dinner had gone down, a bag of Scampi Fries
I wound back some Celebrations as I sat there in my seat
By then it was time for tea, mashed pickle and cold meat

But I didn’t feel complete, I fancied something sweet
So I ate some Quality Street, until I was quite replete
Followed by a cheeseboard, and some crackers on a plate
I couldn’t eat another thing. My guts were in a state

I need a Christmas clearout, a yuletide log
I just can’t wait till I am sitting on the bog
I’ve got a turd right on the edge that I need to emit
Because my belly is distended and my farts all smell of shite

So I dashed to the toilet cos I couldn’t help the urge
I squeezed and squeezed and squeezed and squeezed but nothing would emerge
It seemed I had a blockage in my anal pipe
So I left the bog, after giving a cautionary wipe
By boxing day my stomach was embarrassingly swollen
From all the Christmas food and turds wedged up my colon
I wanted to spend the day just sitting on the pan
But I had to attend a family dinner at my girlfriend’s nan’s

When I got there the whole family was sat in the conservatory
My arse was foremost in my mind, I was in faecal purgatory
I tried to do polite hellos while sweating with a frown
But my turd was like the Duke of York, it was neither up nor down
I sat between her mum and aunt and tried to clench my cheeks
While her nan served up the soup, made of spuds and leeks
As soon as I had a mouthful though, I was in no doubt
I was like a nightclub filled to capacity – one in, one out

I quickly excused myself from the dinner table
I got up and lurched out the room, feeling quite unstable
I legged it up to the bog as fast as I was able
Dilated to ten centimetres, I laid a massive cable

It was a Christmas clearout, a yuletide log
If it had legs and a tail it could be a sausage dog
I smacked it and stabbed at it with the toilet brush
It’s like it was made of concrete though, it just wouldn’t turn to mush

It was a Christmas clearout, a yuletide log
I flushed and flushed and flushed but it wouldn’t go down the bog
It just kept staring up at me like a big brown trout
So I got some bog roll on my hand and fished the fucker out

I thought, ‘What am I gonna do with this massive poo?
So I opened up the window and threw the cursed number two

It was a Christmas clearout, a yuletide log
I lobbed it in the garden cos it wouldn’t go down the bog
When I checked to see where it landed, I swear this is the truth
The whole family were looking up gagging at my turd on the conservatory roof
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