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Teach your kids to smoke

People are living far too long, that’s part of evolution
The world is overpopulated but I’ve thought of a solution
It’s high time we stopped pussy-footing and someone stood up and spoke
Let’s re-write the curriculum and teach our kids to smoke

Teach your kids to smoke, teach your kids to smoke
It can cause cancer, emphysema and increased chance of a stroke
That little Thai kid on YouTube did, and out there they’re all broke
So save up your pennies, buy some Bennies and
Teach your kids to smoke


Offer up your kid a fag, you’re teaching them to share
Take them outside to spark it up, they’re getting some fresh air
The bestest time to start them off is when they’re very young
You never hear of toddlers with tumours on the lung

On their faces you’ll see broken veins but also massive grins
As they roll their own with Old Holborn and a book of Rizla skins
If your kid doesn’t like the fags, or is not the cigarette type
Pin the little bastard down and make him smoke a pipe

Teach your kids to smoke, teach your kids to smoke
Have one ready with their Shreddies as soon as they’ve awoke
You’ll know they’re getting into it when their voices start to croak
Ignore your doubts just splash the snouts and
Teach your kids to smoke

Childhood obesity’s a worrying thing, the trend is quite incessant
So force your kids to have a fag, it’s an appetite suppressant
Don’t let the risk of emphysema put them off their puffing
When they wake up and cough up blood, it could amount to nothing

So get your toddler smoking, it’ll make the kid a man
Send em to a playgroup that defies the smoking ban
Think of all the positives, they’ll look older by miles
And will be less of a target for local paedophiles

Teach your kids to smoke, teach your kids to smoke
A fag and a match can turn your little boy into a bloke
The first puff is the deepest and it often makes them choke
But don’t let ‘em fail, make them inhale
Teach your kids to smoke


If you want your kids to get good marks and generally do well
Give them 200 duty frees to take to show and tell
If they sell their duty frees at school, you can share in the spoils
For the thrifty childhood smoker, there’s 25 in Rothman’s Royals

They’ll be coughing up their guts in scout and brownie huts
As they try and win their recycling badge for rolling up some butts
And if our project goes to plan and makes the public think,
Why not take it one step further, and teach our kids to drink

“Daddy, what’s that?”
“It’s a Jaegerbomb, son. Now come on, neck it or you’re gonna get a smacked arse.”

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