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Don’t be a kunt, download legally: One Last Wank
& One Last Cry
One Last Wank And One Last Cry

I had a dream about a baby the other night
And that baby had a beard which just didn't seem right
Until I realised that it was our Lord Jesus Christ
And he said: "Kunt, what are you doing with your life?"
I said: "I'm making people happy"
He said: "You're making Jesus sad"
I said: "I'm only wanking off my cock"
He said: "That's really bad"
"The only place you're meant to do your muck is up a lady's crack
Look, it says here in the Bible, it's a motherfucking fact.
And make sure it's within wedlock or I'll have to cast a curse
Not with some rotter behind the Co-op bins, that makes it even worse
And you have to say 'I love you', or I'll cry tears of blood
And jump into your bed while you're at work, fart and then draw mud."

 So, let's get this straight, I've got to stop whacking off?"
And he said, "Right away"
I said, "My new wank mag's coming tomorrow"
He said, "You'd better stop today
Or you'll never get to Heaven and live up in the sky
I'll send you to Hell where the Devil will stick pins down your Jap's eye"
But can't I have one last wank and one last cry?
Before I say goodbye?
One last wank and one last cry
Before I say goodbye?

Jesus said: "Seeing as it's you, I'll let you do it one last time
Think of all the birds you touch yourself about, wank and say goodbye"
So I pulled my pants and trousers down and then I got to work
I thought of all those ladies as I had my final jerk:
The Saturday girl up the newsagents - God, she's really fit
And Mum's friend, Aunty Susan, the one with great big tits
The weather girl off GMTV, and of course, Lorraine Kelly
I think about touching her front bottom and getting my finger's smelly
Carol Vorderman, the love of my life and then there's my mate Jim's ex-wife
And Sonia in the juniors who got her fanny out under the desk
And then there's bit in 'The Lady in Red' when Kelly Le Brock jumps out of bed
I wore the 'Pause' button out of my remote control trying to get a glimpse of her hole
And while my member's standing proud I have a quick think about Girls Aloud
But not the ginger one, she's wafty, it's enough to make you cry
Tears of sadness, tears of joy, milky tears from my old boy
I'm about to do my beans into an old sports sock for one last time

I'll have one last wank and one last cry
Before I say goodbye
One last wank and one last cry
Before I say goodbye

Then I woke up with a stiffy, it'd all been a dream
So I thought ‘I'll have a wank then, just for a starter’
But as I went to touch my penis it felt really sore
I looked down and my helmet had stigmata

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