Upsetting squares and making ladies moist 2003 - 2016
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Before I Get Famous
My homeless friend

I was walking through the streets of old Soho
When I saw a face that I used to know
He was wearing a tattered sheepskin and rifling through a bin
I went up to him and I said, “hey”
He said, “Oh no, I don’t want you to see me this way”
He was unshaven and smelt strongly of urine

He said, “I heard you became a minor internet star
And you’re driving around in a Ford Fiesta
I always though I’d be the one to make it in that game”
I said, “You and me we’re not far removed
Yes, your personal hygiene could be improved
But under that smell of piss and shit fundamentally we’re the same”

My homeless friend
On people’s donations you depend
I’ll give you a quid and a Ginsters’ pasty
But I wouldn’t have you round my house

But it made me think of how if it wasn’t for my talent that could be me rifling through a bin for half a pre-packed sandwich.
It also made me think of how our lives were different, so I sang to him there on the street...

My home is in a cul-de-sac and is made of bricks
Yours is made of cardboard and bears the word ‘Chipsticks’
I took a lady home and got her in the sack
Your last bird had teeth missing and was hooked on crack
It’s another day for me in paradise
You keeping itching your cock, have you got pubic lice?
If I fancy some soup, I just open a can
You get yours off a Christian in a converted Transit van

My homeless friend
A lunchtime soup kitchen you attend
I’ll buy you some crisps and a can of white lightning
But I have to say you fucking stink

My homeless friend
With another cardboard box your home you plan to extend
I’ll buy a Big Issue though I don’t really want it
But I wouldn’t share a can of drink

I went to the doctors and got a clean bill of health
You’ve got bronchitis and have started talking to yourself
When I need a big job, I head for the crapper
My mate saw you doing one in a discarded chip wrapper
When I have a wank, I mop up with some tissue
You use a leftover copy of the Big Issue
I’m the kind of guy to who young kids can aspire
You’re the kind of guy to who they like to set fire

My homeless friend
He punched me in the face before I got to the end
I guess living on the streets with nothing to eats
Must have got to my homeless friend

My homeless friend
On a freezing park bench he met his end
But it wasn’t the cold night, some kids set him alight
Who I hope the police soon apprehend
Cos they set fire to my homeless friend
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