Upsetting squares and making ladies moist 2003 - 2016
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1 – So then Kunt, where exactly did this journey of expression start , when you finally thought fuck me this will be good lets release this music to the public and become an internet star? and can you elaborate on how and what was Pubic cube and what happened there??

 

I started writing silly songs when I was a kid and eventually got a band together, Serious Problem. In our second incarnation in the early 90s we were still quite shit but, in a coincidental and unrelated incident, I left and they suddenly got really good, getting a big following, winning the Essex battle of the bands and eventually being managed by a young Ricky Gervais. I went off to form Pubic Cube with my cousin Andy (And’ Job) and we graced the Essex talent competition scene for a few years, playing edgy pubs and clubs with the cream of the county’s failed magicians and shit karaoke singers. After Andy left I had a break for a few years and happened to start Kunt and the Gang off the back of an early mid-life crisis in my late 20s, and luckily for me as I got it up and running, MySpace and then YouTube were getting going so I was able to stick some songs up on the internet and benefit from the word of mouth thing quicker than I would have otherwise.

 

 

2 – From listening to your music you can easily tell where the sense of humour is coming from as you gave a thanks to viz and the Macc lads in the Blue rofl cd , which myself am huge fan of both From beer to eternity and Beer sex chips and gravy are great albums from when I was a kid. I always remember viz used to regulary run macc lads adverts I was just wondering did you ever get to see them live? and can you name some of your best /gigs bands you got to see back in the day? also whos your favorite bands? I like loads of different styles and i wouldnt know how to describe your music as there is nothing like it, it's refreshingly amazing!

 

The first gig I ever went to as a 16 year old kid was the Macc Lads. The crowd scared the shit out of me but it blew my mind. I’m sure somewhere along the line that must have filtered into my mind that you could get something up and running without the backing of the bland radio stations and the shitcunts in the major record companies.

I love pop music, not just the good stuff but some of those awful 80s hits, and one hit wonders like Jilted John and Shaddapa Your Face as well. The best music I think probably doesn’t date so badly but the tacky stuff like So Macho and Tarzan Boy are the tunes that get stuck in your head and remind you exactly where you were when you heard them. I grew up listening to the Basildon sound of local lads Depeche Mode and the best bands I saw live when I was younger were Madness, Ian Dury and then later when Britpop came along Pulp and Blur. David Devant and His Spirit Wife blew my mind as well, their show was like the lovechild of David Bowie and the Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band.

 

 

3 – Growing up near Essex were you part of the rave scene and do you have any stories about any of you and your mental fuckin friends, any stories? and how come the prodigy never reached out to do a track? now that would be new ground broken right there!

 

Looking back I was never really part of any scene, I always just did my own thing. I never took enough drugs to enjoy the rave scene and ended up stopping smoking gear before I was 30 because I made the best plans but never got a fucking thing done. I think my mates and I gravitated together because none of us really fitted in anywhere so we used to just go out and make these stupid videos of our mate hanging on to the roof of the car while we did doughnuts in the car park, or going up to the lady at the fruit stall enquiring about her juicy melons. My favourite thing we did was coming home from a club one night spraying the white plywood fence around a building site with the word ‘CUNT’ 50 times and sitting across the road the following day watching busloads of pensioners with their jaws round their ankles.

 

 

4 – What about a drum and bass Kunt and the gang megamix?

 

There were a couple of mental remixes of Wank Fantasy and Carol Vorderman a few years back that I included on the compilation Sloppy Seconds. I was going to Megamix a set for Bangface festival but I played there once and must have been so much better than everyone else on the bill I never got invited back in case I showed them all up again.

 

 

5 – Now being an independent artist you have the freedom to basically release whatever you want but this has its downsides as I know to well with my artwork and projects, basically people are easily offended and its hard to find a market at first but you relise there are a few people who take notice, and it keeps the inspiration going. What has been your inspirations and main acheivements with the Kunt saga? and why are you deciding to retire now when you seem to have a great following? it seems each tour pulls a huge crowd and besides the main question on the fans fanny lips is WHAT THE FUCK YOU GONNA DO NOW KUNT?... DONT GO!!!!!

 

You’re right, if you’re not tied to a label and don’t have any advisors you can do whatever the fuck you want but you do have to self-censor a bit or when you started off you would just end up getting your fucking head kicked in at every gig and would surely lose the will to carry on. I was lucky in that after 5 or 6 years I started just mainly playing to my own crowds who were mostly in on it and wanted you to take them somewhere out of their normal comfort zone (or still in their comfort zone for the worst of the wronguns). For as long as I can remember I always wanted to have a big back catalogue of albums and try and keep the quality up by not just putting stuff out for the sake of it, which I think I mostly achieved. I still can’t believe I got to go and play in Australia, and am very proud I persuaded people to cover Edinburgh in cock stickers for a month and managed to orchestrate the world’s first ever virtual dirty protest against Simon Cowell but I think my proudest achievement is probably getting a single called Use My Arsehole As A Cunt to number 66 in the proper UK charts. I’ve not properly thought through what I’m gonna do next, but it will hopefully involve more time creating and less driving and admin.

 

 

6 – and whats little kunt gonna do now?

 

Little Kunt and my ex-manager Mike have been talking about going out on the road together next year.

 

 

7 – If you could go out for a dinner with a serial killer who would you choose? possibly for me it would be Dahmer if he was still alive but i wouldnt be dropping nothing on the floor or accepting a drink from him you know, If so I would end up in the fridge chopped up.  also someone asked If it was the end of the world who would you go on a kiling spree with? or would you just sit back and wank yourself to death?

 

There’s a tough question. It would probably have to be Fred and Rose, because you could go out and enjoy dinner, knowing even if the company wasn’t up to much almost certainly that the night would end in a very sexy way. And remember to be on your way before Fred gets the gaffer tape out.

 

 

8 – What's truly the worst reactions ever you have had to any of your songs or worst threats over the content or material of your music?

 

I got death threats over my Michael Jackson tribute song and after the Amy Winehouse tribute I had a bloke turn up at a gig in London and assassinate me with a water pistol, shouting, “IT’S MY PISS, IT’S MY ACRID PISS.”

 

 

9 – What did that nightmare of the fake music industry known as Simon cowell think of your dirty protest? can you tell what happened there?

 

On the surface he completely ignored it but knowing him as I do, from one friend who has met him once and having seen him on TV a handful of times, I bet he was extremely cheesed off to receive what must have been upwards of a dozen pictures of human shit in his Twitter feed.

 

 

10 – You tend to write some great catchy songs around many lame celebrities. Is there anyone you would not write a song about because you respect them too much or do you just think fuck it it's funny? In this world a sense of humour is very important theres so much fucked up horrible shit going on that if we didnt laugh the world would be a truly miserable doomed bastard of a place.

 

I don’t think anyone or anything would have been off limits as long as you can find a funny angle to it. I always tried to find a different and interesting take on things rather than “Hahaha Jimmy Savile’s a paedo,  hahaha Amy Winehouse died or hahaha the bloke from the Lost Prophets tried to have it off with a baby.” One regret I have is that I didn’t manage to get a David Cameron cock in a pig song to work in timely enough fashion. Maybe in retrospect that was the occasion to just say, “Hahaha David Cameron stuck his cock in a pig.”

 

 

11 – Speaking of humour who are some of your all time favorite comedians? I always go with Richard Pryor, George Carlin, Bill Hicks they were great because they gave such a personal but genuine true side to the way they delivered their act. Brutal honesty can be funny, whats your views on what comedy should be? and what do you think of how todays society cant really take a joke any more, no one can say shit! But you do a fuckin great job though!

 

I always watched more sitcoms than stand up, and loved The Comic Strip, The Young Ones, Filthy Rich and Catflap, Fawlty Towers and latterly Nathan Barley and Peepshow to name a few. I love conceited characters desperately trying to save face in increasingly ludicrous situations. I’d have loved the opportunity to do a series but no offers ever came along and with touring I didn’t have the time or money to do it properly off my own bat. Fucksticks!

 

 

12 – Im not sure how old you are Kunt but it seems you were born into a time where everything that was shown on T.V was supposedley innocent fun, but like me im not sure if im right here but as I got older it seemed everything was not what it was supposed to be and then all of a sudden it wasnt! there were dodgy peados in parliment, nonces on television and behind everything that ever existed in entertainment was all creeps and weirdos they all came out of the woodwork. You hit the nail on the Head with Jimmy Saville, Micheal Jackson and others, which I find refreshing in this day and age because you seem to confront issues that no one else will even consider, so thats a good thing I think Kunt, well done man! You actually raise the issue instead of ignoring it. Whats your view on this country and media today? because personally I think we are all getting fucked over with a smokescreen of lies, but as I said in the above question you gotta laugh innit.

 

It’s beyond mental what’s come out in the last few years about half the people on TV when we were kids. I predicted so many of the TV paedos, people started calling me Nonce-tradamus! But the sinister thing for me is that there’s a level of fame and credibility that seems to get you a paedo pass. Michael Jackson, Elvis Presley, Pete Townsend, John Peel  - oh, they were all good, let’s turn a blind eye. Let’s hang out to dry anyone in sequins or lamé, Gary Glitter, Jimmy Savile – I bet Martin Fry from ABC is shitting himself.

 

 

13 – My mate Morgan asked if you got with a woman who had nipples that pointed inwards would they remind you of assholes? He's a big fan of your music too.

 

Yes, good point Morgan, but rather an inverted nipple than an everted arsehole.

 

 

14 -Some of your songs make you sound like a right dodgy cunt. Do you have a problem with people who have taken you the wrong way in real life? or are you a genuine Bastard and women love you? or just a person who has to release your views about the subjects you want to write about as freedom of expression? I met you and you were sound as fuck but for example are your friends wary around you when they have their family with them?

 

I never really thought of myself as a massive bastard but looking back over my back catalogue I think you may have hit the nail on the head. I just see my songs as a way of getting things out there, and strangely no other bands or acts really want to sing about that stuff. It’s a bit of a vent for me as well, and should be noted in the 13 years since I started Kunt and the Gang in earnest I completely stopped killing prostitutes.

 

 

15 -Did you ever hear what Carol Vorderman thought about your song, has she heard it its great?

 

I wrote my love song to Carol Vorderman in 2003 and never heard anything from her for 13 years, then just before my final tour she sent me a DM on Twitter saying it had given her a massive wide-on.

 

 

16 -Does anyone in your family like what you do? I bet you have them laughing all the time.

 

Verily I say unto you, no prophet is accepted in his own kuntry. For that reason my mum still doesn’t know what I do, she thinks I’m out delivering pizzas for Papa John’s.

 

 

17 -Would you consider growing a beard and goin into porno or could you not handle the beard and  life of pussy on tap. That job would suit you kunt, you love fanny and your songs would make a great soundtrack. Have you thought of getting new cunt everyday for life until you possibly die of an s.t.d, because aside from that the odds are good. Whats your idea on that? and also if you did get to direct or make a porno what would be in your movie, what would it be called and who would you like to be in it?

 

There’s enough beards in the world already, with all the fashion beards around nowadays. A lot of the bearded men I met in recent years whilst touring have grown beards with no regard for the history of bearded culture and without any thought of what it means to have a beard. One bearded bloke I spoke to at a gig had never even dismembered a prostitute and another guy hadn’t even contemplated forcing himself on his nephew.

 

As for going into porno, I only usually last two and a half minutes, though thanks to smartphones and YouTube, people’s attention spans are much shorter than they used to be so that might be an opening for me. If I got to make a porno I would insist it was a porn version of my favourite film See No Evil Hear No Evil about two ladies, one black, one white, one with no fanny and the other with no bumhole and the hilarious scrapes they get into along the way.

 

 

18 -So through your whole career as Kunt and the gang what has been your overall greatest acheivement of all? getting into the charts? playing Australia? doing your own thing being truly punk as fuck? Whats been the highs?

 

I covered a few of these earlier on but also playing Rebellion and Download festivals, selling out my last tour and some of my favourite gigs along the way, managing to turn it around and have a great gig after getting into a fist fight on stage at the Edinburgh Fringe and lastly the videos, particularly Wanking Over A Pornographic Polaroid Of An Ex-Girlfriend Who Died which was a close to a 2 minute mini-movie as we got.

 

 

19 – I think you are totally under rated and you should be right up there with all those other rich famous cunts on t.v because you deserve it. What's it been like approacing those bigger companies and music labels, did your asshole really nearly take it? and have you expeirenced any shady goings on in the higher ranks behind the celebrity scene?

 

In all honesty it’s a world that I made no inroads into! When I first started out, I sent out some promo CDs and got a really condescending, cuntish email from Avalon management which made me realise I was wasting my time approaching anyone for help and needed to just do it on my own, so I stopped sending out press releases and promos and just let the following build up organically through word of mouth and link sharing. I had one TV meeting in 13 years which I didn’t get a call back from, then got my songs used twice on Channel 4’s shoddy half-baked clip show Rude Tube. Last year I got my first invite to appear and be filmed in a studio TV show, for NBC’s new digital platform and was pleased to hear with it being subscription TV it was ‘anything goes’. Turns out ‘anything goes’ doesn’t include singing about raping a paperboy because the episode I was in was the only one filmed that never got aired.

 

 

20 -so was it really all just lonely wanks in a travel lodge or was it really a life of sex drugs and alcohol? you are bound to have had some great times on the road over the years whats been the highlights and lows of the touring scene, has it really taken its toll that much that you had to stop?

 

The touring life is not all bad, if you want a life of sleeping on people’s sofas and licking out dirty minges in toilet cubicles then it’s great. To be honest 13 years of travelling has worn me down, no one on their death bed ever wishes they’d spent more time squashed up in a Ford Fiesta. And the amount of admin associated with managing your own tours, because contrary to popular belief not all promoters are bastions of morality and virtue so it is not unusual for a few bookings to end up cancelled at short notice after your guy does a bunk with the venue’s takings.

 

 

21 -You have left a great legacy Kunt, by the time this interview gets released maybe Noel Edmonds would have got done and you will be back out touring. This is the only hope can you let us know what would get you out of retirement?

 

If they get Noel Edmonds I’ll be back like a shot. If anyone knows anything, perhaps you were a contestant on Deal Or No Deal and his cuddle lingered too long then just tweet it with the hashtag #Noel4Yewtree

 

 

22 -People are gonna miss you Kunt, whats your last words to those wrong uns who miss you?

 

I will live on through the songs and videos, until such time YouTube decide to shut my channel down again. Now come on, pull yourselves together and don’t be such a bunch of benders.