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9 Things You Might Not Know About Things You Thought You Knew About Basildon
by Kunt and the Gang

1. Depeche Mode
We all know that Depeche Mode were the best thing to ever come out of Basildon, unil they started wearing skirts, going all sombre, using guitars and injecting heroin in their nobs. But what you might not know is that before they were called Depeche Mode, the 4 original members Martin Gore, Dave Gahan, Vince Clark and Andy Fletcher were in a band called Wank Sock, named after an item of footwear that as a teenager singer Dave Gahan used to keep under his bed to ejaculate into. There was a fifth member of Wank Sock, David Braithwaite, who quit the band shortly before they changed the name to Depeche Mode because he thought Andy Fletcher was a massive wanker, a view also held by anyone else who has ever met him.

2. The Basildon Fountain
We’ve all seen the Basildon fountain which depicts a lady holding up a pissing baby. But what you might not know is that the fountain was commissioned in 1960 when local councillors decided that the New Town of Basildon needed an effigy that efficiently represented the town. It was finally decided in 1974 by local councillors in a meeting that a lady holding up a pissing baby was slightly more preferable to the alternative design, a cigarette butt stubbed out in a dog turd.

3. Denise van Outen
We all know that when she was doing the weather on the big breakfast blonde gobshite Denise Van Outen used to be the fittest bird ever to have come out of Basildon, but then she started noshing off that twat Jamiroquai and we all went off her a bit. But what you might not know is that Denise studied for a Masters degree in the Science of Animal Genetics which, during a two year part-time course which she took on whilst still filming the dreadful sitcom Babes In The Wood with Samantha Anus off Eastenders and Jacko from Brushstrokes, in the name of research led to her wanking off over a thousand dogs.

4. Brian Belo
We all know Brian Belo best as the most famous Brian ever to win reality TV show Big Brother, apart from the other Brian, the gay one. But what you might not know is before his time in Big Brother Brian used to take part in clinical trials to earn a bit of extra cash to supplement his income as a trolley wally at Tesco in Pitsea. During one of these trials Brian had a human rectum sewn onto his forehead and every time he had a thought the sphincter made a little farty sound accompanied by a little smell. At the end of the trial the arsehole was returned to its rightful spot, between the bottom cheeks of a corpse from Basildon hospital’s mortuary and along with its owner was humanely cremated.

5. The BASILDON Letters
We’ve all seen the big fuckoff ‘Hollywood’ style BASILDON sign on the London bound A127. Well what you might not know is that those letters were funded by Basildon council tax payers’ money and cost a cool 1 Million pounds each, apart from the ‘I’ which only cost £800,000 because it was a bit less complicated. The letters were unveiled in 2012 a ceremony which was hosted by disgraced ex-singer Ian Watkins, not that one, the one from Steps, who was disgraced because of all the terrible music he’d been involved in, and who has now changed his mind about wanting to be taken seriously and be called Ian Watkins and is happy to be called ‘H’ again.

6. Terry Marsh
We all know Terry Marsh was Basildon’s bestest boxer who had a sports centre named after him and a mural made out of tiles on the wall there. But what you might not know is what happened to the tiles of the mural that got removed after Terry disgraced himself and tainted everyone’s memories of him by running amok with a firearm in a children’s ball pit in Basildon’s Eastgate centre. Well, they chipped the tiles off and slung them in a skip.

7. Yazoo
We’ve all heard Yazoo’s famous top 10 hit ‘Nobody’s Diary’ which was released after Vince Clarke left Depeche Mode and joined forces with vocalist Alison Moyet. But what you might not know is that Alison wrote the words to ‘Nobody’s Diary’ about finding a secret journal that had been left on a bus. Upon leafing through the pages Alison discovered that there had not yet been any entries made in it, nor was there any name scribed in the front of said book, thus not belonging to anyone and hence generating the idea for the aforementioned song.

8. Bas Vegas
We all know the Festival Leisure Park site in Basildon, known locally as ‘Bas Vegas’ is the place to go in Basildon where you’re most likely to get smelly fingers off some 18 year old idiot who is off her box on £1.50 Alcopops. But what you might not know is that before the clubs and complex were built there, the site used house a concert venue, the Basildon Festival Hall where I went to see Howard Jones. It was backstage at that very concert that Howard gave me the idea to form Kunt and the Gang, which he had had the idea for principally to cheese off his nemesis, ‘Kool’ from Kool and the Gang. Howard lost all his respect for ‘Kool’ since his band comprised of a load of young black blokes who had replaced the original members of Kool and the Gang who left because they were all in their mid to late 40s and had settled family lives so didn’t want to spend all their time away from their loved ones out touring. What particularly irked Howard Jones was the fact that while everyone else in the country was trying to warn black youngsters of the dangers of being in a gang, ‘Kool’ was actively recruiting. And so Kunt and the Gang was born.

9. Kunt and the Gang
We all know Kunt and the Gang as Basildon’s most famous export, apart from Depeche Mode, the Basildon fountain, Denise van Outen, Brian from Big Brother (black, not gay), the BASILDON letters, Terry Marsh, Yazoo and Bas Vegas. But what you might not know is that before Kunt and the Gang fell into the rut of writing a song about every celebrity rumoured to be involved in a paedofiddlia scandal, they actually hoped they might be remembered for some of the catchiest pop songs to come out of Basildon since the early 80s but then their greatest minor internet hit, 2012’s ‘Jimmy Savile and the Sexy Kids’ put paid to that.

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