“Hey Kunt, it looks like your work is really taking off this year: do you have plans
for a new album?”
Don’t be fooled into thinking it’s taking off, I’m still hawking it round the same grotty old pubs! This year I’m promoting our greatest minor internet hits album Complete Kunt then we’ve got a new album planned for next year. It’s going to be called Fresh Kunts.
“Do you think there’s a realistic chance that ‘Fucksticks ‘ will actually reach number
one in the charts?”
In a nutshell, not a fucking chance! But we sold 3000 downloads of Use My Arsehole As A Cunt before Christmas which got us to number 66 in the charts when the sales are at a record high so any other time of year that would get us in the top 40. If we can get Fucksticks into the top 40 then Radio 1 have to decide whether to play it or ban it and they’re not going to play it, are they?! I’m itching to see what happens if we manage to get a song with the phrase ‘Fucksticks, Queen Mother’s Cunt’ in the charts!
“Tell us about the best and worst
experiences you’ve had playing live.”
One of the worst experiences was in
Cardiff. I was playing the song
Wanking Over A Pornographic Polaroid
Of An Ex-
I sing about my loss then wank and cry.
This drunk woman got up on stage and
was trying to remonstrate with me.
Something seemed to have made her
really angry because she was swiping at me!
I kept dodging out the way when all of a
sudden she stacked it and threw
half a pint down my leg. As she was on
all fours I saw my opportunity to
restrain her so I knelt on top of her and
finished off the song wanking and crying on
her back. This only seemed to make her
more angry and when I got off
her she tried to smack me in the face
and was escorted out by the door staff!
The best gig I ever had was at the
Castlemayne in Basildon. There were
about 15 people there and no one was
really that into it but there were a
couple of girls there who were pissed
out of their heads and one of them
sucked me off afterwards. It was a
“We notice you’ve announced a hefty list of tour dates, but why none in Scotland?”
We’re doing a run at the Edinburgh Festival again and will try and sort a Glasgow gig for August while we’re up in Scotland. We normally play at 13th Note but we’ve not had any other offers for Scotland lately which is a shame as even when we’ve played to small crowds in Scotland they’ve always been bang up for it!
“What is the motivation behind what you do?”
You know some days when you’re indoors and there’s nothing on the telly apart from the usual daytime stuff like Judge Judy or This Morning. It’s in the back of your mind that you can just go on the internet and see a load of ladies pulling their privates apart, so you end up firing up your laptop and having a wank even though you don’t really fancy one. Well it’s that same kind of motivation that led to me doing this.
"You've dealt with subject matter including sex assaults and serial murderers, as
well as figures almost considered culturally taboo for humour (ed-
Taking my Princess Diana song as an example, a lot of the time people hear your subject matter and make a judgement without listening to what you’re actually saying. It would be easy to see a song called Princess Di (I’ll Wank And I Will Cry) and presume that you’re being disrespectful, when in actual fact it is a tribute to how fit Princess Di was and just because she’s dead it shouldn’t necessarily mean that we should stop displaying our feelings for her, even if they are sexy ones.
Is Kunt and the Gang primarily music or comedy?"
It’s definitely music. Because a lot of people don’t find it funny at all but even they can’t deny that there are songs involved.
“I think Carol Vorderman got better with age. Discuss.”
And she’s still getting better! Carol Vorderman is one of the things that makes Britain great. I can’t think of another nation in the world that has an attractive middle aged lady who is good at sums that half the male population have had a wank over at one point or other.
“I have to say that I’ve been enjoying your ‘Perverts on the Internet’ series a lot.
Is it likely to become a permanent fixture?”
We’ll be putting up a new episode of Perverts On The Internet on our YouTube channel monthly this year, and hopefully by the end of the year some drugged up TV cunt with a haircut will throw some cash at it so we can do some big budget stunts like blowing up a van and an Evel Knievel style motorbike jump.
“You’ve spoken before about the problems you’ve encountered getting booked for shows. Have you noticed any change since the success of ‘Use My Arsehole As A Cunt’?”
There has been no upturn in our fortunes since our song Use My Arsehole As A Cunt was a minor hit. I always presumed after any sort of hit would result in me laying around on a lilo getting wanked off by a supermodel but the nearest I have got to that is sleeping on an airbed on my manager Mike’s bedroom floor listening to him wank and cry himself to sleep.
“Is it true that you received death threats for the Michael Jackson track? If so,
do you foresee a similar situation unravelling in the future?”
When we did our YouTube tribute to the deceased pop singer Michael Jackson I had a load of messages from mental American Jacko fans saying things like they were going to ‘pop a cap’ in my ‘ass’, and calling me a ‘pussy fag mofo’. I do not encourage or welcome this, although after our Royal Wedding Souvenir Version of Fucksticks I will be keeping an eye out for white Fiats whenever I drive through the Dartford Tunnel.
“Tell us a little about what you’re listening to at the moment and the musical or
cultural inspiration for Kunt and the Gang.”
At the moment I am listening to Mr. B The Gentleman Rhymer, he’s a rapper who raps in the style of a Victorian gentleman. He’s got a song about Tim Westwood which is very funny. My musical inspirations remain stuck in the Basildon synthpop sound of 1980-
"Finally, where do you see the project heading in the future?"
If Fucksticks goes top 40 I see me ending up with so many gig bookings that I have to franchise Kunt and the Gang out. I will give seminars to thousands of wannabe Kunts which will end up with lots of people performing the songs in pubs, community centres and churches around the country taking the Kuntish word out into lots of different communities. It will be an all-