Can you describe your music, for people who haven’t heard you?
If you could imagine U2 except replace the over-
I want ladies to think, “That’s catchy, it would be really great to suck him off.” And blokes to think, “That’s catchy, I definitely don’t want to punch him in the face.”
Is it true you had a parasitic twin inside you for 25 years, named Little Kunt?
Yes, that is true. I only realised one day when I went to wipe my bottom and there was hair growing out of my bumhole. I was rushed into hospital and Little Kunt was born covered in blood, shit and sweetcorn.
How do you feel about him?
He’s really useful. Where he’s only small he goes out with a digital camera and takes lots of upskirt photos of ladies’ mounds.
How does he help you make music?
He doesn’t. He has ADHD so if you stop
playing with him for a minute he goes off
and does something destructive to get
attention. The other day I was on the
phone for 2 minutes and he had gone
behind the sofa and did a shit on his
How did you feel about getting to
number 66 on the Christmas chart
with ‘Use My Arsehole As A Cunt?
I couldn’t believe it. All I ever wanted since
I was a teenager was to cop off with nicer
looking birds and my minor chart success
has made that possible.
Has anyone ever used your arsehole
as a cunt?
I think anyone in the music industry who
says that hasn’t happened to them is a
fucking liar. I know for a fact that a certain
male solo artist who wrote a song about
meeting a girl on Monday, taking her for a
drink on Tuesday and rooting her the f
ollowing day originally wrote that song
about his experience of getting bummed
off by an A&R man.
If you had a cunt, which celebrity would you like to penetrate it and why?
I wouldn’t be precious about it, I’d let them all have a go. Russell Brand could be fucking it while I took David Walliams in my gob, Barrymore up my arsehole and a Chuckle Brother in each hand.
Why did you decide to write a musical about Shannon Matthews?
Because I’m fundamentally a lazy bastard and saw the opportunity to add a few songs to what was already a fully formed hilarious farce! I see it ending up in the West End with Karen Matthews played by Bonnie Langford, Craig Meehan played by Darren Day, Terence Donovan by his namesake Jason and Wee Jimmy Krankie as Shannon.
What’s your most offensive song?
I don’t really think any of them are offensive, I’m just trying to help people, for example Use My Arsehole As A Cunt tells of the pitfalls in the music business, Gentleman’s Wash is about the importance of personal hygiene, and I Sucked Off A Bloke warns what can happen when you gamble.
What’s the most extreme reaction you’ve had to your songs?
I had a lady attack me onstage in Cardiff. It was half-
What’s the best gig you’ve ever played?
Rebellion Festival in Blackpool. Massive crowds of punks who are off their tits and up for a laugh.
What’s the worst gig you’ve ever played?
The worst gig was at a Gentleman’s Evening in Essex where all the men wanted to see some ladies’ muffs and not me dancing around expressively to 80s synthpop backing tracks. I was bottled off after 3 songs and the promoter refused to pay me unless I went out and finished my set. I didn’t!
Does your mum get upset with all the rude stuff you sing about?
She doesn’t know about it. She thinks I work in Homebase.
Have you written a rude song about your mum?
Yes, but it’s yet to be released. The song is all about this cockney boyfriend she used to have who was always over our house and I’d hear him in the bedroom talking about sticking his Tilbury Dock up her Gareth Hunt.
Your website features tips to entertain yourself, mainly to do with poo. Why do you like it so much?
It’s free, it’s fun and I like to imagine the look on people’s faces when they receive it in a jiffy bag through the post.
Why are you obsessed with Carol Vorderman?
Because she is funny, she is clever and she is fit. I have never seen her fadge but I have thought about it so much and studied pictures of her in swimwear so I reckon I could draw a stunning likeness.
What are you plans for the future? (New albums, gigs, etc)
I am touring throughout May and June and will be at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in August. I am also currently involved in a monthly YouTube series called ‘Perverts On The Internet’ which also features my hapless manager Mike Gibbons and the staff and regulars of my local pub, the Stem and Helmet in Basildon.