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Hello Kunt, how’re you?

I’m OK, wanks for asking. Apart from my dog just trod in his own shit, came indoors and pawed it all over my white football shirt.

How did you get into making a career out of singing songs about wanking?

My mum (Audrey Roberts off Coronation Street) always had great aspirations that I would make her proud and be a successful professional so I just did it to teach her a lesson that she shouldn’t be such a snob. And for letting my uncle who was a bit too ‘fond of cuddles’ babysit me.

How do you make your hair look so great?

Miscellaneous products. It’s a secret as closely guarded as Colonel Sanders’ secret recipe, although I heard he just gets breadcrumbs, spices and then gets some 15 year old minimum wage kid to have a wank in it.

Could you introduce us to the rest of the Gang?

Nowadays it’s just me and Little Kunt  because I chucked all the others out. Each of them had obvious faults, which they learned to overcome with the aid of their friends. Montgomery Moose, the group's leader, was quite clumsy, Woolma Lamb was extremely vain and self-centered, Dotty Dog could be careless, Portia Porcupine had temper tantrums, Zipper Cat could be over-the-bit, and Bingo Beaver could be greedy and tended to get himself and/or others into trouble, although he was not mean-spirited like the Gang's enemy, Catchum Crocodile.

Your online campaign to

get “Use My Arsehole As

A Cunt” into the top 40

very nearly paid off.

Have you got any more

campaigns planned?

It finished up at number 66.

I’m treating it like a dry run,

like when you first get with

a bird and you do all your

sexy thrusting but with your

trousers still on. The next

time I am hoping to fully

penetrate the top 40 with

a new version of my song

Fucksticks to coincide with

the royal wedding. I’ve

always wanted to shoehorn the phrase “Queen Mother’s Cunt” into a song so it’s like a dream come true.

When you’re playing gigs, do you find it a bit odd that bands that aren’t comedy acts get booked as support? [such as Don’t Let Paris Fool You in York]

We’re in a bit of a weird no man’s land between music and comedy so sometimes you’ll get bands on the bill and it works really well and sometimes it doesn’t, the same as when we play with comedians it can go either way. I’d rather play with a good band than a shite comedian!

You’ve been very outspoken about your love for Carol Vorderman. How do you rate her daughter?

I’d hang around and discreetly watch her movements for a week or so. I’d look at her routine and see if she walks home from anywhere alone in the dark, then I’d just jump out from the bushes in a park at night and do it. Oh, sorry, you said rate.


Who would you choose if you could only take one, Vorderman’s sexy daughter, or Rachel Riley?

I don’t see why I should have to choose, I would definitely have enough to do the pair of them. Or at very least do one while the other just sits there frigging herself off.


Bands like My Chemical Romance get thousands of messages from emotional teenagers thanking them for writing songs which mean so much to them and they can relate their pathetic little lifestyles to. Do you get the same sort of messages from perverts on the internet?

Yes. I get a lot of messages from dangerous internet loners telling me how I have justified their socially unacceptable behaviour. It all evens out though as I also get messages from dirty birds sending me tits, bum, fanny the lot pictures.

When you had Michael Jackson inside you for a bit, which method of entering you did he use?

He lowered my resistance by giving me Jesus juice, showing me wankmags and then went in via the Jackson, of course.


Are you any closer to finding out what it is that men with beards are hiding?
Yes I am. I had a bearded bloke come up to me after a gig in Kent and as he shook my hand used the phrase ‘a token of my esteem’ while passing me two squares of toilet paper which he had emptied his nuts into. In his case he was hiding a little tissue full of wank.


Finally, what message would you like to send out to anyone reading this interview?

I would like to ask them to come and find us on the internet and we can be great mates. Eventually after I have won their confidence I will get us all to move into a deserted farm where I will start fucking their wives, get them to believe a big UFO is going to come and take us all to live with Jesus, then make them all drink poisoned Tizer while I clear off with all their savings.