Upsetting squares and making ladies moist 2003 - 2016
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What's your favourite album ever and why?  
That would have to be Stan Ridgway's 'The Big Heat'. My favourite moments on it include a rousing electro-country song about a dead marine whose ghost lives on, a synthpop ode to industrial machinery and a heartwarming ballad about a titty bar.


What was the best year ever for music?  
I would have said 1980 or 81 because that was the time the Basildon synthpop sound started to rule the world but I think Depeche Mode and Yazoo would agree that 2004, the year I released my debut album 'I have a little wank and I have a little cry', probably just about edges it.
 

What's your earliest musical memory? 
It was 1979 and I was a very small boy. My uncle, not the one who touched me up, the other one, took me down the record shop for me to buy a record. I had the choice of anything I wanted and I picked 'In The Navy' by the Village People. They all looked they were having such a good time in fancy dress in their videos. It was only when I saw them on the word in the 90s that I realised why they looked like they were having such a good time.


Is there any particular album or song

you never want to hear ever again and

why? 
Alanis Morissette's 'You Oughtta Know' still

bothers me. It's the indie 'I Will Survive', a 

pigawful rant that conjurs up images of indie

clubs in the 90s where overweight rotters

with red hair dye and DMs stomp around

because the bloke who they gave smelly

fingers last week has copped off with

another bird.

 

If you could meet any musical figure

from history who would it be? 
I know a lot of people say he's a cunt but

I always thought that Chico seemed a

decent bloke. 

 

Who would you put in your fantasy band? 
If I was in it I would make sure it was full of

birds I want to root. So I would have me on

keyboard, Belinda Carlisle on vocals, Kelley

Deal from the Breeders on guitar, bass isn't

that hard so I'd just get one of them slags

out of the Saturdays to learn it, and Rachel Riley off Countdown on drums.

 

What's the best gig you've ever been to? 

I went to see U2 at Wembley with my mate but when we got there he'd left the tickets at home. We tried to explain this to the staff at the venue but they weren't interested. So we ended up going into London and went to this club and I met this girl and we got talking and went outside round the back of the club behind some bins and she started sucking us off and it wasn't that good to be be honest and I was starting to lose my wood because I'd had a few drinks so I just said to her, "look, this isn't really working, can I just wank it in your face?" She said OK so I did.

What was the first gig you ever went to? 
The Macc Lads at the Kilburn National Ballroom. I went with two mates when we were teenagers. The moshpit was full of proper big scary blokes in leather jackets so we went upstairs and thought we'd had a right result because there were seats  free on the balcony. It was only when the Macc Lads came on and literally everyone lobbed their drinks down onto the crowd below via us that we realised why noone was sat there.

 

What was the last gig you ever went to? 
I went to see La Roux in Southend because my mate had a free ticket but you might as well have stuck her record on and watched a cardboard cut out. I'd still give her mum one though, I use to love June Ackland off The Bill.

 

CD, Vinyl or MP3? 
MP3 has made me learn to love CDs. Can I have a CD in a big fuckoff 12" gatefold sleeve? 

 

John or Paul?
Paul, obviously. John never stuck around long enough to entertain us with the 'marry a mental, poisonous amputee' routine.
 

Dylan or Elvis? 

Elvis. A lot of have people have said I'm just like Elvis, I wear all-in-one oufits. Not so much jumpsuit as boilersuit, but I like to think if Elvis was around today he'd be influenced by hi-vis workwear.