Upsetting squares and making ladies moist 2003 - 2016
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Welcome to writerstailblock Kunt, in case there are any spastics out there that dont know about you could you give us a little break down of who you are and what youre all about?
I am Kunt from Kunt and the Gang. I see myself as the voice of working class Britain and in my music, rather than the bland X-factor pap that the charts are full of, I try and deal with topics that regular people can relate to, like wanking off with a finger up your arse.

Your fascination with tidy OAP maths MILF Carol Vorderman is well documented but how do you feel knowing that she's been retired for the younger tidier Rachael Riley? Who do you reckon would win in a fight out of them? Who do you think we'd need to contact to set that up and find out?

I didn’t think I would ever get over Carol leaving Countdown, and I’d resigned myself to changing channels for my mid-afternoon wank. Needless to say I was pleasantly surprised when I saw Rachel Riley and so excited that I immediately went online and found a jpeg of her, from which I cut out the head and photoshopped onto a picture of my ex-girlfriend in the nude with my cock in her slot. And then I had a wank.

If Carol and Rachel had a fight my money would be on Carol. She’s got some power in those thighs. If she managed to get on top I think it would be all over very quickly, much like if I ever got to have it off with her.


Have you considered that Vorderman's

self esteem is probably at rock bottom

right now, so you should probably

capitalise on her fragile emotional state

while you've got the chance?
I’m on the case. If you ever need to get in

touch with me in person I can be located in

the bushes just outside her house. Carol

has recently joined Twitter but I have been

following her for years.


Everyone knows that singers in bands

are hip deep in fanny and I can't

imagine that it'd be any different for

you, have you got any chat up lines

that our readers could use to give them

half a chance with the lasses?
I don’t really go for cheesy chat up lines. I

think women find them a bit lame. I’ve

found that ladies prefer a more direct

approach. If you’re in a nightclub and a

girl keeps looking over, show her your

pubes. If a girl you like is not looking over,

just stand there with your pubes out until she does. It’s a well known fact that pubes are a sign of manliness so she will probably see your pubes, get a bit moist and then before you know it you’ll be in up to the almonds.

 

Your lyrics and stage shows have come under fire by Daily Mail readers for promoting antisocial behaviour for such harmless things as wanking in the woods and accidently sucking off bricklayers. We think its quite unfair that they dont give you an opportunity to defend yourself. Is there anything that you'd like say to clear your name? Have they ever considered that your songs "men with beards" & "perverts on the internet" are actually pretty valid life lessons that children should be aware of?

The internet has opened up a secret world of knowledge for young people. I never knew where a clitoris was until I first got online when I was 28 - I always thought it was right up inside a ladies gash and that you could only stimulate it if you got 4 fingers in.
I see it as my duty to help educate the younger generation in matters such as looking out for beardy internet nonces and the benefits of washing your helmet before you go on a night out.

You've been invited to play the UK Skateboarding Association's Championship Afterparty this year. Last year there were 150 guys and about 3 birds in a Rugby Club and it very quickly descended into a Bromantic Lovefest with everyone dancing to Abba and Barry Manilow with their tops off. Do you feel honoured that the only way we could improve it the following year was to book you?

I do feel honoured but I am fully aware that there is a fine line between bromance and a regretful suckjob. I only hope my homo-erotic tale of how to get on in the music industry Use My Arsehole As A Cunt isn’t taken the wrong way and the Afterparty doesn’t end up like a Canvey Island strip night – with a queue of ‘gentlemen’ waiting to bang the act and each time one pops his top it is greeted with a cheer.


How do you feel knowing that skaters, with their love of drawing cocks on things and incessant self-abuse have taken you to their hearts?
It makes me swell and feel a little proud. I feel like I might have missed my calling in life, if only I wasn’t such a complete and utter spastic on a skateboard, seeing as my self-abuse is incessant and my ideal job would be sitting there just drawing spunky cockandbollocks on things with a permanent marker.


Where do you get your inspiration from?
I get my inspiration from things that happen in everyday life. And having too much time on my hands. For example, I was in the pub the other afternoon and went for a piss. The urinal was blocked so I went into the cubicle and someone had left a load of turds and wipes unflushed. As I pissed on the turds and re-awoke them from their sleep a new song popped into my head: “Come on mate, I only wanted a slash, but the bloke before me left bangers and mash.”

Whereas rap music objectifies women and degrades them with sexist and demeaning lyrics, your songs often put you in the woman's frame of mind, with lyrics  "Go on then, just this once, use my arsehole as a cunt" and "I sucked off a bloke, I didnt like it, i might have liked it if he washed his helmet" which could even be said are "feminist" in translation. How does it feel knowing that you're doing your part to promote equality for bitches and that?
I’m pleased you noticed that I am all for equal opportunities. In my song Shaven Haven I also tactfully and in a non-threatening way advise women about my preference for a bald slit. Unfortunately feminists have trouble seeing beyond the end of their stupid lesbotic noses and have taken umbrage with some of my lyrics, especially for some reason my flagship lovesong I’m Gonna Lick You Out. There’s no helping some people, I did try telling them they were just one big cock away from happiness but they wouldn’t even listen, the stupid cunts.


If you had to, would you rather eat chocolate flavoured shit or shit flavoured chocolate?
Chocolate flavoured shit. But then if shit was chocolate flavoured I think we’d all be eating it, especially in motorway services where a bar of chocolate costs about £1.30. You’d just nip in the bogs, curl one out into a serviette and nibble it on your journey. That gives me an idea, what about a bar of chocolate along the lines of Cadbury’s Fruit and Nut but with little bits of sweetcorn in?


Finally, ive just washed me helmet, any chance of a nosh?
Go on then, just this once.