Upsetting squares and making ladies moist 2003 - 2016
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Who are you?

I am Kunt from Kunt and the Gang. I write and sing about everyday things you wouldn’t necessarily hear chart artists singing about, such as washing your cock before you go out, smelling your fingers before going down on a lady and other such useful life lessons.

 

How did you get famous?

I’m not famous, I am Internet famous. The difference is you don’t get any of the luxuries like a big house, swimming pool or membership of the Groucho club, and instead of getting hounded by the press and attractive teenage girls you get followed by men in their late thirties who wank off too much.

 

What does your family think about your act?

My mum doesn’t really know what I do. She currently thinks I make balloon animals at kids’ parties. Occasionally over Sunday lunch I have to try and crudely fashion a giraffe to keep up the pretence.
 

How do you keep your hair looking so good?
Miscellaneous products. I can’t tell you the exact proportions, it’s a closely guarded secret, a bit like Colonel Sanders’ recipe.

 

You sing a lot about Carol Vorderman. What is it about her?
I had my first ever wanks over Carol in the 80s and I’ve loved her ever since. She’s got everything you’d want in a woman. She’s fit and clever and has a great sense of humour, apart from when she sued Viz about their ‘Bukkake Sudoko’.

 

What do you think of her

Countdown replacement

Rachel Riley?
I was gutted when I heard

they’d replaced Carol, mainly

for the thought that the only

time I would get to have a

wank over her on TV would

be the Pride of Britain awards

and there’s so many disabled

kiddies on there I feared I

wouldn’t even be able to

muster up a semi-on.

Luckily her replacement

Rachel Riley is also very fit. She’s got a bit of a dead man’s arm thing going on but I figure that just means I’m in with more of a chance. And I suppose she could always just whack me off with the other hand.

 

What’s the best way for a lady to seduce a handsome musician like yourself?
Having had a couple of bad experiences I’m a bit cautious with women these days. Before embarking on any new relationship I like to have it built on a basis of trust, which I feel is established by a lady emailing me pornographic jpegs of her pulling herself apart.

 

Aside from your own, what music do you put on when you bring a lady home?
I try and subliminally lure her into intercourse with a soundtrack that includes the Vengaboys ‘Up and down’, Cameo’s ‘Back and forth’ and W.A.S.P.’s ‘I wanna fuck you like an animal’.

 

We love your song Use My Arsehole as a Cunt. Do you ever use your bum in this way?
Only as a last resort these days, but it was allowing my arsehole to be used as a cunt when I was just starting out that helped me get the project off the ground. Other artists had backers but I had my back-bottom.

 

What turns you on?

Ladies’ private parts.

 

And off?
Very hairy ladies’ private parts.

 

What’s the strangest sexual scenario you’ve ever been involved in?
When my mate and his mum and dad went on a family holiday he asked me to keep an eye on his nan and grandad and it ended up with me loudly giving his nan one up the wrongun unbeknownst to his deaf, immobile grandad who was downstairs on the commode shouting for her to come and wipe his arse.

 

You sing about there being a lot of pervs on the Internet. What are your top pervy websites?

I try to just stick to the usual grot ones like Redtube as otherwise I know, with my addictive personality, one day I will find myself kneeling on a large piece of plastic with 15 naked Japanese men stood round me in a circle wanking in my face and I will be thinking, ‘If only I hadn’t gone on those other websites’.
 

Where do you draw the line?
After pissing but before shitting.

 

Who would play you in a movie of your life?
They would have to be gifted to portray my prodigious talent, but modest because I don’t like to make a big thing about it. They would have to be tall because I’m 6’4”.  And I play a lot of 5-a-side so they’d have to be good at football. I guess that leaves Peter Crouch.

 

What inspires you?
I dunno. It’s a bit gay being inspired so I tend to just try and get on with things.

 

On your website you have a ‘Which serial killer are you?’. So Kunt, which serial killer are you?
I am probably Fred West in that I have sexual motives, haven’t got a beard and am reasonably proficient at minor D.I.Y. tasks.

 

If you wrote the England teams 2010 World Cup song what would you call it?
I wrote one for 2006 called ‘Let’s have a wank for England’ which told the story of how as a boy in 1966 my dad had a wank before every England game and we won the world cup. Well, my supporters and I tried the same strategy in 2006 but no amount of pulling on our pipes could legislate for Sven being more interested in getting his nuts wet than the England team selection.
I might wheel out ‘Let’s have a wank for England’ again for 2010 and see if the lucky tugs can work their magic for Mr. Capello!

 

What’s a cry-max and do you do this?

I believe cry-maxing is having a boo-hoo when you reach your peak. It’s a common misconception but I do not do this. Well, not always. My crying generally happens before I do my beans, e.g. I may be knocking one out over some pictures of Princess Di from the 80s and then I remember the fatal crash and I start sobbing whilst frantically trying to finish the job before I’m thrown off my stroke. There’s nothing wrong with crying while you wank, they’re both forms of release.


What would be your epitaph?
He came, he saw, he wanked, he cried, he upset Michael Jackson fans, got stabbed and died.

 

What’s next for Kunt and the Gang?
I have written ‘Shannon Matthews: The Musical’ which will be released on CD/download later in the year. I think it is a well-researched insight into the minds of Karen Matthews and Craig Meehan while Shannon was missing but everyone who has read the script so far has said it’s just a 60-minute barrage of filth.

Songs include ‘Can’t work, won’t work’, ‘I’ve got a plan (based on Maddie McCann’, ‘You’re a paedophile’ and ‘Shannon ain’t dead, she’s under my bed’.

 

Do you have anything else to add?

Yes. I would like to encourage your readers in between having a wank to come and have a look at our website – www.kuntandthegang.co.uk