Upsetting squares and making ladies moist 2003 - 2016
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Hello Kunt, how’s tricks? It was nice having you back in our fair city again the other week, you seemed genuinely embarrassed/disgusted/shocked to see a) my mate Ryan having a wank and b) my girlfriend’s brother hiding his genitalia to make himself look like a girl. You surely come up against this sort of thing all the time don’t you?

I always find it quite disturbing when a man is bearing down on me with his jennies out. It gives me flashbacks to when I was a kid staying over at my uncle’s house.
As for your bird’s brother who got up on stage and tucked them between his legs to make himself look like a lady, please bear in mind that I only got the back view, which looked like a cluster of mushrooms.


So what made you start up doing what you do? When was the ‘Kunt’ alter-ego formed and why in the hell did you wanna get up on stage and do what you do? I’m guessing you write everything yourself? What other projects have you been involved in before?

I started doing Kunt and the Gang about 5 years ago but I’ve always written funny, rude songs, ever since I was at school. I was in a couple of local bands, a punk-pop collective called Serious Problem, who were shit when I was in them and then they got good after I left. Our best song was ‘Take That are cunts’. Then I formed a synthpop duo called Pubic Cube with my cousin Andy Kunt but he didn’t like Little Kunt so he fucked off and left us.


When did the idea of

using stage props

come up such as

Little Kunt,

marigolds, beards,

fake cock etc?

Who is the woman

whose mask you

use in ‘Perverts on

The Internet’?

The mask is Carol

Vorderman, of course!

When not wearing it on

stage I sometimes

wear it at home and

do that thing that your

mate did to make

myself look like a lady.
The props wrote

themselves into it

really. The fake beard I wear for ‘Men with beards (what are they hiding?) is the kind of

beard I would like to have if I didn’t grow facial hair like a pubescent boy. The last beard I attempted looked like I’d covered my face in Pritt stick and gone down on Gail Porter.


Does your family know what you get up and do on stage and what do they think about it? Do they ever come and watch any of your shows?
No, my family do not know what I do. My mum, Audrey Roberts from Coronation Street, thinks I am a children’s entertainer and because of this she thought she was helping out

by getting me a couple of bookings. I changed all the words so they were about things kids like, like Balamory and fingering but it didn’t go down that well.


How in the world do you manage to get up on stage and say sing a song like ‘come and have a wank with me’ with a fake hard cock sticking out while being totally sober? How do you have the balls and do you ever get the fear that it’ll all go tits up and the crowd will turn against you? Saying of which have you ever had anyone in the audience take such offence that they confront you?

I do try not to be totally sober whenever I can. It has gone tits up on a few occasions, one of which was a ‘Gentleman’s Evening’ on Canvey Island where the bill was just me and some strippers. The strippers were running late so by the time I went on there was just a crowd of rabid blokes wanting to see some ladies muffs, not some 6 foot 4 inch beanpole waving a fake cock around. I managed to get out after 3 songs without being lynched but it was fucking horrible!

Another time, a bloke attacked me on stage during my first song at a Christmas gig in London. He picked up the mic stand and came at me with it. Thing is, with it being an Xmas gig, the mic stand was wrapped in fairy lights so it was a very festive assault. I grappled with him and managed to shove him off the stage where he landed on his back and then got chucked out by the bouncers.  And I had to try and play another 9 songs cheekily and cheerfully but with the red mist descended!

 

Have you always been into electro music and what other sort of music do you listen to in your spare time? Are you surprised with how say a punk audience has taken to you? Why do you think this is? Are you looking forward to playing Rebellion Festival again?

I like the early 80s electronic sound that came out of Basildon - Yazoo and Depeche Mode before they went all depressed. I’m stuck in the 80s with my music taste, Chas and Dave are great, anything with a catchy melody that doesn’t take itself too seriously, like the Macc Lads!

Yep, I was pleasantly surprised how it went down at Rebellion last time and am definitely looking forward to this year. I do generally think the punk audiences are more open-minded and up for it than some of the stuck up cunts you get at indie gigs.

 

Was Carol Vorderman leaving countdown actually the worst day of your life? What do you make of that new bird on it? Any good in comparison? I loved that faux-reggae song you did about her!

After Carol left Countdown I was very low for a while and I wasn’t sure I would get through it but when I saw the new bird, Rachel Riley, it was like a light at the end of the tunnel. She’s by no means the finished article but there’s a lot of potential there. If I concentrate on Carol when I’m having a wank I can go from soft to milk in 30 seconds but with Rachel I’m still around the minute mark. She’s got a bit of a dead man’s arm thing going on but apart from that I think in time I could grow to love her like I do Carol.


Tell me about Disco Minge records which you release all your stuff on, is it an actually proper label or just a joke spoof label just so you can say you’re on a record label? Would you ever let an A +R man ‘use your arsehole as a cunt’ to get signed, would their be a label out their who could have the balls to release your music?

Unless you’re lucky enough to get with a good independent record label, most labels will use your arse as a cunt, even if it’s a metaphorical arse that they stick their metaphorical cock in to use it as a metaphorical cunt. Disco Minge is my own label, which I started because I knew no other label would touch Kunt and the Gang with a shitty stick!

After enjoying the freedom of not having to censor or compromise my stuff I think as far as record labels are concerned my rectum is now closed.

 

And how’s things going with the new album? What subject matter can we expect this time around? The songs I’ve heard live are probably some of the best ive heard before, Wank Fantasy is awesome!
The new album is a collection of rarities and unreleased stuff with a few new tracks to make the numbers up. Apart from Wank Fantasy, some of the highlights are the stump based numbers ‘Equal Opportunities Wank’ and ‘Heather Mills’, ‘Rachel Riley’ and our world cup song ‘Let’s Have A Wank For England’. There’s also a free download CD2 which has got stuff that was too libellous or ripped off for the other CD, including our Pete Townshend song and our cover of Katy Perry’s ‘I Kissed A Girl’, ‘I Sucked Off A Bloke’.


What cities do you find your set goes down particularly well? And which ones are terrible and best avoided?

I’ve had some good gigs all over the show, but some of the best ones have been in Newcastle, Liverpool and Bristol. There’s also been some really good local ones in Basildon and Southend.

The worst ones have been that one in Canvey Island *shudders* and I had quite a horrendous one in Cornwall!


Quick fire round (one word answers if pos!)
Vorderman or Riley?

Vorderman


Arsehole or cunt?

Cunt


Dog or cat?

Cat


Chas N Dave or The Macc Lads?

Dead Heat


Tits or Chips?

Tits. No, chips. No, tits. No, chips. Oh fuck it, I can’t decide.

I like a good pair of tits better than a shit bag of chips, but then again a good bag of chips is better than a wafty set of jugs.


Guns N Roses or Bon Jovi?

Europe!

 

In this issue we are asking people if they could form a supergroup of up to 5 members (dead or alive) who would be in the band and what would they sound like?

Muttley McLadd on vocals. Chas Hodges on piano. Dave Peacock on bass. John Shuttleworth on keyboard. And Vince Clarke working the Roland CR78 drum machine. And they’d sound like a foul-mouthed electropop cockney knees up.