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What’s the best thing about being Kunt?
Making a living singing songs about wanking. Surely it can’t get any better than that?

Describe your vibe in five words...
Pop-shot pop on poppers.

If Kunt was a drink, what would he be?
Men’s milk.

Can you tell Knave readers who else is in your gang?

Musically and for our live shows it’s just me and Little Kunt, my former parasitic twin who was surgically removed from my colon in 2003. When he came out he was covered in blood, shit and sweetcorn.

As well as this, there are various honorary gang members like Little Miss Kunt, our official photographer and minge model for our stage prop, the ‘fanny pants’.

‘Use my arse as a cunt’ talks about the music industry, how have they reacted to you and your music so far?

I’d like to say they’d been outraged and offended, or even enthusiastic and keen but the truth is until we signed our deal with Disco Minge Records and sold out our initial run of albums we couldn’t even get past the front desk. Since then there are a couple of major labels who are very eager to release the next album but it was their apathy in the first place that led to me having to use my anus as a bartering tool so the offer will have to include some sort of sexual gratification on my part. I’m going in insisting on full penetration but between you and me, I’ll settle for topless oral.

Where did the inspiration come

from for ‘Wanking over a

pornographic polaroid of an

ex-girlfriend who died’?

My mum, Audrey Roberts from

Coronation Street, had been on at

me for ages to clear my stuff out

the loft because she had her eye

on one of those fancy loft

conversions with a skylight. While I

was up there I found this dusty old

box full of photographs. You know

how easy it is to get sidelined when

you’re clearing stuff out, especially

under duress, so I ended up sat

there looking through the old

photos. There were some photos of when I was little, others of bands I used to go and see who aren’t together any more, pictures of family members who are sadly no longer with us and then all of a sudden there she was. It’s amazing how a handful of particularly filthy Polaroids can suddenly transport you back to 1994. The girl in the photos agreed to them after months of me trying to wear her down and literally a week later she was run over and killed. After that, whenever I got the Polaroids back out I just felt numb and couldn’t even muster up a semi-on over them so I hid them away and hadn’t seen them for best part of ten years. As you can imagine, uncovering them after all that time the emotions started to flood back, feelings of love and loss, and it just felt so right as I stared at a picture of her pulling herself apart and manually consummated our relationship for one last time.

What are your plans for the year ahead?

Since we got our website up we’ve had ladies all over the country e-mailing us pictures of their frontbottoms. So in the next year Little Kunt and I are going to do a nationwide tour and try and kill two birds with one stone by promoting our album whilst inserting ourselves into as many of those ladies’ frontbottoms as possible.

Do you think everyone will have had a piece of Kunt by the end of 2006?
We’re spreading ourselves as best we can so hopefully, by the end of the year, Kunt will be on everyone’s lips.

You call the album ‘I have a wank and have a little cry’, has this happened to you before?

Many, many times. As well as the aforementioned episode with the Polaroids, there was the time I was offered a Saturday job in Ann Summers but it meant they’d stop my dole money and another one that springs to mind is when I was knocking one out and heard on the radio that Princess Diana had been killed. Since then I find it helps me say goodbye to someone as you can counterbalance the sadness with sexy, joyful feelings. Unfortunately it has meant I’m banned from Gatwick Airport and has also made me a bit of an outcast at family funerals.

Have you had any groupies yet?

Of course! The most recent is this old bird in her eighties called Dee who’s been a professional groupie since the Second World War. She’s had more people up her than the Eiffel Tower. She claims she sucked off Tommy Cooper and Arthur Askey and, in their heyday, was spit-roasted by Chas and Dave. Apparently Mick their drummer was offered the arsehole but preferred to just watch and wank.

She’s still going at it hammer and tongs, bless her, but there’s no escaping the fact she’s very dry downstairs, until the incontinence kicks in…

What’s more important, coffee or wanking?

Like the inhabitants of Colombia depend on coffee for their livelihood, I depend on wanking for mine. One of my heroes is Gareth Hunt. In the Nescafe adverts from the 80’s he managed to combine the two - he gave a wanker sign and there were coffee beans! Amazing!

Do you keep any porn on the tour bus?

Our mum buys all our porn for the tour bus. She gets us Knave and Fiesta. You might think that’s a modern approach but she does it because she doesn’t condone us looking at pictures of penetration.

Any touring rituals, things you do before you go on stage?

Little Kunt suffers with terrible nerves so when we get to a venue he goes straight into the toilet and has diarrhoea. Also he says it’s unlucky to use a bog brush before a show so my pre-stage ritual has become throwing up after seeing the specks and smears that he’s left down the pan.

What would you be doing if you weren’t Kunt?

Before we got our record deal I used to sit at home whacking off over the girls in Neighbours and Home and Away. Since we signed our deal I sit at home whacking off over the girls in Neighbours and Home and Away. So it’s hard to say really…

You wrote a song about Carol Vorderman, have you tried to send it to her?

I sent it to her via the Countdown PO Box address as there’s an injunction preventing me going within 800 yards of Carol’s house since I was caught wanking in the bushes in her front garden. I tried to explain to her that people have different ways of showing their love.

I first met Carol after hanging about outside the Countdown studios in the 80’s, she was just as beautiful and glamorous as she looks on the telly. She signed me an autograph but unfortunately as she handed it over I went off in my pants and had to make my excuses and leave. I’ve loved Carol for over twenty years, that’s not some schoolboy crush, is it? So why won’t she show me her beaver?

Which other British TV stars (over the age of 40) will be getting a song written about them in the future?

Lorraine Kelly. And not just because you can rhyme ‘she’s on the telly’ and ‘her cunt is smelly’. I don’t fancy her at any other point in the day but she always seems to be on TV when I wake up with morning wood. She’s fucking annoying though so I tend to knock one out with the sound turned down, which is better anyway in case mum brings me breakfast in bed.

Any last words for Knave Magazine?
Yep. I’d like to thank any of your readers who have taken the time to peruse this interview in between looking at all the ladies’ quims. And now I’ll stop waffling so we can all go and crack one out.