However fleetingly, it appears that the NME is finally good for something other than wiping one’s knob with, as I discovered your glorious beat combo in its pages. How in the mother of Guzman did you get a favourable review?
You won’t print this will you? Well between you and me I sucked off Conor McNicholas but that’s strictly off the record. Just put they liked my electro beats or something.
What was the last thing that caused you to: have a little wank/have a little cry?
Many, many things in life cause me to have a little wank. The last one was when I found out I would be doing an interview with textual molester. It gave me a semi-
Tell us about your collection of Richard Whiteley pubic hair dolls.
You’ve been mis-
What are some of your favourite wank based pastimes?
Wanking in the bushes in the woods where you can see people walking their dogs and catalogue wanks where you have to use your imagination to undress the middle aged underwear models.
Are you something of a father figure to Little Kunt? On the road, I’d suppose you’d have to play mother too? How has your relationship been affected by the band?
Well technically we’re twins but
yes, I do have to assume a father
figure role as Little Kunt is very
inexperienced with girls. I know
he titted someone up but I don’t
think he’s seen a quim yet.
The band has brought us closer t
ogether, we’d certainly never
played soggy biscuit before we
went on tour. On the road I do
assume a motherly role towards
to him as our own mum, Audrey
Roberts from Coronation Street,
is usually busy with work
schedules. I have to make his
rusks in the morning and cook
him dippy egg and soldiers for
lunch. It can be a bit of a burden
but I do feel for him, having spent
26 years wedged up my colon.
When he was cut out of me, he
came out covered in blood, shit
Is Basildon the hotbed of cultural invention one would expect?
Basildon is a fantastic place to live. The best thing about it is our out-
Of course it’s all about Venkman. Honourable mention to Rick MoranusJ
What’s the strangest thing you’ve put your penis in?
Molester Rapeley from Textual Molester magazine. It felt like there were cornflakes up there. Ouch!
I understand Kunt and the Gang is the flagship act for the Free Barry Bulsara campaign? Are you planning charity events for any other wrongfully imprisoned social martyrs such as Iain Huntley and Saddam Hussein?
You can only lend your services to so many worthy causes before all the bleeding-
I can empathise with his plight as I too was branded a dangerous loner. Sure, I’ve
worn army fatigues and wanked off in the bushes outside Carol Vorderman’s house but
I’m not hurting anyone and I don’t believe Barry did. He’s been made a scapegoat
because the police know, as nightclub-
Does the band yield many groupies? Are they mainly guys/girls? Or just Joe Pasquale?
People knock Joe Pasquale and say he’s a squeaky voiced unfunny one-
We’ve had groupies of both genders but so far I’ve only doinked female ones.
The most noteworthy was an eighty-
She’s still going for it, bless her, but nowadays she’s incontinent and lives in an old people’s flat so she’s not the draw she once was.
We’ve written a song about her on the new album…
So is a follow-
It is indeed. We’ve nearly finished our difficult second album, which has been going under the working title of ‘Viva Bas Vegas’. As well as Dee (The Oldest Groupie), some of the songs we’ve finished so far are ‘Shaven Haven’, ‘Princess Di (I’ll wank and I will cry)’ and, for a bit of cultural comment, ‘Arranged Bride’.
And what of a Little Kunt solo album?
Little Kunt wants to do a solo album, he tells me sometimes it’s cold in my shadow. Unfortunately for him we’ve got a four album deal with Disco Minge so that ain’t going to happen anytime soon.
He’s been a fucking arsehole lately. He poked a hole in my laminated Liberty X poster and sellotaped a bowl of offal behind it. I caught him with his nob covered in pigs blood, up to the almonds in Michelle Heaton.
If he ever leaves Kunt and the Gang I hope he doesn’t become the Robbie Williams to my Gary Barlow. I don’t think I could stand seeing his smug fucking face all over billboards and on Parkinson while I have to go back to doing Night Service in Basildon BP.
Are you jealous of Ferguson from Clarissa Explains It All, as he is better than your life?
No fucking way. Ferguson has grown up and now has ginger pubes.
Is Carol Vorderman aware of your tribute song and erotic pictorial of her?
Carol Vorderman knows who I am. She took a court injunction to keep me away from her London residence. I have forgiven her though and wrote the song to show her that there are no hard feelings, apart from the ones in my veiny erection.
I don’t think she realises that I have loved her since the 80’s and I am prepared to wait however long it takes for my opportunity to be with her. Be it a dark alley or deserted waste ground, I’m not fussy.
There’s a litany of official Kunt and the Gang merchandise available from your webshite. Any new products under wraps? Perhaps your own brand of Special ‘K’ based rape products?
Firstly Kunt and the Gang would like to distance themselves from any form of non-
That’s just a bit of a laugh and no-
Eventually we hope to have some official Kunt and the Gang dolls that cry real tears from their eyes and do real white wee wee from their jap’s eyes.
What other projects are/were you involved in?
In the 90’s I was one of the founder members of Essex lads band Serious Problem.
The best song we had was called ‘Take That Are Cunts’. I quit after 4 gigs and they
went on to be much better and successful than they ever were when I was in it. They
I’d forgotten that Jeremy Grimcock can go from soft-
Has Roland the Rat filed a lawsuit against you for stealing all of his songs yet?
I don’t think he could afford it nowadays. I’ve heard he’s living in a cardboard box under Blackfriars bridge, begging for cheese from passers by.
Does your prosthetic flange/child’s size Rangers football kit possess Samson like properties?
The prosthetic flange, or ‘fanny pants’, have become a firm favourite of the live shows and are as popular with ladies as they are drunken men who insist on trying to insert their finger in me.
The Rangers football kit is an original bought for me by my mum, Audrey Roberts from
Coronation Street, when I was 10. That same birthday she also gave me a season ticket
to Parkhead and a cap saying ‘Celtic fans are fat cunts’. She since confessed she
may have been “…belatedly regretting the decision not to have a termination” and
was just “…trying to do something pro-
For anyone yet to experience the Kunt live show, what kind of wankery should they
expect? Are the allegations of albino-
I’ve given up carting the boiling pot, given to me by a Fijian former work colleague, to gigs. You lug it all the way there and no albinos fucking show up. That aside, there are all kinds of wankery go on at the live shows. I do have my man’s frontbottom out for all the songs that require a loving stroke.
Are you worried that one day you’ll wake up and realize that you spent your life writing songs about tossing off pets and masturbating over pictures of dead girlfriends?
Well, how many people say on their deathbed, ‘I wish I’d spent more time at the office’.
That’s right, no-
Any final comments?
To all the readers of Textual Molester magazine: Buy our fucking album or Little Kunt will go to the police and say you interfered with him and made him say ‘thankyou’.