Upsetting squares and making ladies moist 2003 - 2016
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However fleetingly, it appears that the NME is finally good for something other than wiping one’s knob with, as I discovered your glorious beat combo in its pages. How in the mother of Guzman did you get a favourable review?

You won’t print this will you? Well between you and me I sucked off Conor McNicholas but that’s strictly off the record. Just put they liked my electro beats or something.


What was the last thing that caused you to: have a little wank/have a little cry?
Many, many things in life cause me to have a little wank. The last one was when I found out I would be doing an interview with textual molester. It gave me a semi-on with a drop of pre-cum so seemed a waste not to turn that into a full erection and finish it off. The last time I had a little wank and had a little cry was over Lorraine Kelly this morning. I like her and it disgusts me.


Tell us about your collection of Richard Whiteley pubic hair dolls.
You’ve been mis-informed, what actually happened was after Richard passed on I bleached and coloured my pubes in tribute to the great man and his colourful collection of ties. I think Des is doing a formidable job, having altered his presenting style to make it slightly more bumbling. A mate of mine who works as a runner for channel 4 said he went to take Des his cup of tea before the show and he was in his dressing room sniffing poppers and inserting a small effigy of the world cup into his back passage. He put it down to superstition.


What are some of your favourite wank based pastimes?

Wanking in the bushes in the woods where you can see people walking their dogs and catalogue wanks where you have to use your imagination to undress the middle aged underwear models.


Are you something of a father figure to Little Kunt? On the road, I’d suppose you’d have to play mother too? How has your relationship been affected by the band?

Well technically we’re twins but

yes, I do have to assume a father

figure role as Little Kunt is very

inexperienced with girls. I know

he titted someone up but I don’t

think he’s seen a quim yet.

The band has brought us closer t

ogether, we’d certainly never

played soggy biscuit before we

went on tour. On the road I do

assume a motherly role towards

to him as our own mum, Audrey

Roberts from Coronation Street,

is usually busy with work

schedules. I have to make his

rusks in the morning and cook

him dippy egg and soldiers for

lunch. It can be a bit of a burden

but I do feel for him, having spent

26 years wedged up my colon.

When he was cut out of me, he

came out covered in blood, shit

and sweetcorn.


Is Basildon the hotbed of cultural invention one would expect?

Basildon is a fantastic place to live. The best thing about it is our out-of-town leisure park Bas Vegas. You can go bowling, have a McDonald’s, go to the pictures and then on to a club where there are loads of fit girls in skirts so short that their bomb doors practically hang out the bottom. It was after a night at Ikon I first got my brown wings round by the bins at the back of TGI Fridays.


Favourite Ghostbuster?
Of course it’s all about Venkman. Honourable mention to Rick MoranusJ


What’s the strangest thing you’ve put your penis in?
Molester Rapeley from Textual Molester magazine. It felt like there were cornflakes up there. Ouch!

 

I understand Kunt and the Gang is the flagship act for the Free Barry Bulsara campaign? Are you planning charity events for any other wrongfully imprisoned social martyrs such as Iain Huntley and Saddam Hussein?

You can only lend your services to so many worthy causes before all the bleeding-heart liberals start to get on your fucking wick. That said, we will do anything we can to help Barry’s cause, even if it means not lending our name to it.

I can empathise with his plight as I too was branded a dangerous loner. Sure, I’ve worn army fatigues and wanked off in the bushes outside Carol Vorderman’s house but I’m not hurting anyone and I don’t believe Barry did. He’s been made a scapegoat because the police know, as nightclub-goers do, if you can’t catch anyone else you can always finger a simple person.


Does the band yield many groupies? Are they mainly guys/girls? Or just Joe Pasquale?

People knock Joe Pasquale and say he’s a squeaky voiced unfunny one-trick pony but he’s Little Kunt’s hero.

We’ve had groupies of both genders but so far I’ve only doinked female ones.

The most noteworthy was an eighty-something woman called Dee who’s been a professional groupie for over 60 years and apparently fucked such luminaries as Tommy Cooper and Arthur Askey and, in their heyday, was spit-roasted by Chas and Dave. Apparently Chas had first shout and so Dave got the mouth end.

She’s still going for it, bless her, but nowadays she’s incontinent and lives in an old people’s flat so she’s not the draw she once was.

We’ve written a song about her on the new album…


So is a follow-up to “I Have a Little Wank” in the works?
It is indeed. We’ve nearly finished our difficult second album, which has been going under the working title of ‘Viva Bas Vegas’. As well as Dee (The Oldest Groupie), some of the songs we’ve finished so far are ‘Shaven Haven’, ‘Princess Di (I’ll wank and I will cry)’ and, for a bit of cultural comment, ‘Arranged Bride’.


And what of a Little Kunt solo album?

Little Kunt wants to do a solo album, he tells me sometimes it’s cold in my shadow. Unfortunately for him we’ve got a four album deal with Disco Minge so that ain’t going to happen anytime soon.

He’s been a fucking arsehole lately. He poked a hole in my laminated Liberty X poster and sellotaped a bowl of offal behind it. I caught him with his nob covered in pigs blood, up to the almonds in Michelle Heaton.

If he ever leaves Kunt and the Gang I hope he doesn’t become the Robbie Williams to my Gary Barlow. I don’t think I could stand seeing his smug fucking face all over billboards and on Parkinson while I have to go back to doing Night Service in Basildon BP.


Are you jealous of Ferguson from Clarissa Explains It All, as he is better than your life?

No fucking way. Ferguson has grown up and now has ginger pubes.


Is Carol Vorderman aware of your tribute song and erotic pictorial of her?

Carol Vorderman knows who I am. She took a court injunction to keep me away from her London residence. I have forgiven her though and wrote the song to show her that there are no hard feelings, apart from the ones in my veiny erection.

I don’t think she realises that I have loved her since the 80’s and I am prepared to wait however long it takes for my opportunity to be with her. Be it a dark alley or deserted waste ground, I’m not fussy.


There’s a litany of official Kunt and the Gang merchandise available from your webshite. Any new products under wraps? Perhaps your own brand of Special ‘K’ based rape products?

Firstly Kunt and the Gang would like to distance themselves from any form of non-consensual intercourse, roasting, rape or sex act. Apart from flashing.

That’s just a bit of a laugh and no-one gets hurt.

Eventually we hope to have some official Kunt and the Gang dolls that cry real tears from their eyes and do real white wee wee from their jap’s eyes.


What other projects are/were you involved in?

In the 90’s I was one of the founder members of Essex lads band Serious Problem. The best song we had was called ‘Take That Are Cunts’. I quit after 4 gigs and they went on to be much better and successful than they ever were when I was in it. They re-formed for a one-off gig last year and Kunt and the Gang supported them. It was nice to have a game of soggy biscuit for old times’ sake and taste some old friends I hadn’t tasted for years.
I’d forgotten that Jeremy Grimcock can go from soft-on to men’s milk in under 45 seconds, and just how much spicy food Roy Tarmac eats.


Has Roland the Rat filed a lawsuit against you for stealing all of his songs yet?

I don’t think he could afford it nowadays. I’ve heard he’s living in a cardboard box under Blackfriars bridge, begging for cheese from passers by.


Does your prosthetic flange/child’s size Rangers football kit possess Samson like properties?

The prosthetic flange, or ‘fanny pants’, have become a firm favourite of the live shows and are as popular with ladies as they are drunken men who insist on trying to insert their finger in me.

The Rangers football kit is an original bought for me by my mum, Audrey Roberts from Coronation Street, when I was 10. That same birthday she also gave me a season ticket to Parkhead and a cap saying ‘Celtic fans are fat cunts’. She since confessed she may have been “…belatedly regretting the decision not to have a termination” and was just “…trying to do something pro-active”.

 

For anyone yet to experience the Kunt live show, what kind of wankery should they expect? Are the allegations of albino-boiling true?

I’ve given up carting the boiling pot, given to me by a Fijian former work colleague, to gigs. You lug it all the way there and no albinos fucking show up. That aside, there are all kinds of wankery go on at the live shows. I do have my man’s frontbottom out for all the songs that require a loving stroke.


Are you worried that one day you’ll wake up and realize that you spent your life writing songs about tossing off pets and masturbating over pictures of dead girlfriends?

Well, how many people say on their deathbed, ‘I wish I’d spent more time at the office’. That’s right, no-one. At least when I go to meet my maker I’ll have the peace of mind to not have to say to myself, ‘I wish I’d spent more time pulling my Y-fronts to one side, getting out my generative member and performing acts of self-gratification to a shitty Casio backing track’.


Any final comments?

To all the readers of Textual Molester magazine: Buy our fucking album or Little Kunt will go to the police and say you interfered with him and made him say ‘thankyou’.